The sky is clear. I was laughing with a friend. We were in a large swimming pool. I do not know what we’re laughing about. We swam from end to end. This friend’s face is vague although I think I know who it is. But we were having fun. Yes, I met this friend once in a while before. But I don’t think we’re that close. So what are we talking about? Then this friend of mine said, “let’s go home…” He gazed at the sky which is turning grey now. I looked at him and said “okay…” then he held out his hand for me. I reached out and we left the pool together…
I woke up the next day and I felt a stab of pain. A sudden sadness. Loneliness that was not there a day before. I recalled the dream, it played repeatedly inside my head and these dark emotions became worse. I forced myself to go out of the house.
The sky grey, the wind is cold and crisp. It’s raining hard, then it stopped. Then it became hard again. I walked up and the down the long road in central city, thinking that walking would change my mood. But it did not. I stopped in a coffee shop. I ordered Cappuccino. It’s my third cup. I thought having coffee would help. But it did not. I brought out a pen and paper, started drawing. I thought drawing would lessen the darkness. But it did not. And then I realized I’m listening to sad piano music stuff on Spotify this whole time. Nothing helps. I tried to invite somebody for coffee. Then regret it. So I just wished no one I knew would see me now. It’s dangerous to be around me right now. I might explode. Earlier I want to go somewhere I can pour my heart out. I want to bring out the tears swelling up inside me. But I failed. I failed to go somewhere. I failed to cry and now it’s the third day of this dark whatsoever growing in me. And then the dream played again. My chest hurts. It’s hard to breathe. It’s making me stare at a distance. My heart. I can feel its pain. I can feel its loneliness.
This is new for me. I mean almost new. I used to have this sad feelings before. I had moments like this. But it was always replaced by drawings and having someone familiar around. I was never this obvious. I was never this straightforward about being unhappy. When I get sad there’s always something that would put me back into cheer mode, instantly. But it is different now. Should I tell somebody I know? Should I tell a stranger? Should I be talking about it to someone or should this be kept hidden in the depths of the earth and never be spoken of?