On Death and Loss

I never had the courage to face people who are facing death and loss. I do not have the strength to face them. I do not have the strength to be strong for the ones left behind. I’ve been there. I haven’t lost anybody through death, but I’ve seen people suffer because of death. And it hurts so much. That is one of the big problems about me. I just can’t. I cry too much in front of other people’s relatives even if we aren’t that close. I break down too much when someone dies. All their pain suffocate me, pulling me to the ground. And people say I overreact. But I cannot control it. I cannot care less for people dying. I over cry, I over act. Something dies inside me every time I hear someone is dead. And no matter how much love I would want to give to the ones left behind, I can’t. Because no words nor actions are enough to make the pain go. The last time I attended a funeral was of a friend of mine from grade school. He became an artist along the way, we talked about featuring him and his works on my blog. And then he just died. Because of a complication that occurred, but he died after the operation. I went with my fellow grade school mates. I was shaking. I do not know how to react. I do not know how to behave. I do not want them to see me break. I do not know how to control myself from crying. The jokes helped a bit. The conversation among the group helped a bit. But am still broken inside. I can only have a poker face while they are around. Seeing him dead, lying in a coffin, and her family crying, I go home. And once again, my tears came uncontrollably. I suffered for a week and recalled every moment I had when I bumped into him. I get too attached to dead people that I get too emotional with them. So I apologize. For freezing when someone told me about someone’s death. I am so sorry that I cannot be there for you at this moment of your need. I am sorry that I cannot give any support for you right now because I am such a coward when it comes to death and loss. And to think that it’s a little girl who just died, I cannot take it. I won’t be able to remove this from my mind for a few days and I might even cry. But I am so sorry for being more of a coward than being a friend who’s there to comfort you. I wish I could. I hope I could. But I just can’t.


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