Hot Showers, Papers, Romance


Oh how I love hot showers! The water running down my face, my body, my very being. There’s something in it that makes me want to stay in it a little longer. Once it touches my face, I go some place else, somewhere quiet, where all I can hear are droplets from steam, from the heat of the water that runs down on me. Mixed emotions, heavy feelings. What do I get for being me in these little moments of hot showers? 15 minutes of closed doors to reality, 15 minutes of silence, 15 minutes of me.

Ink on paper, pencil marks on paper, charcoal on paper. I try to draw. I cannot finish anything. I try to draw, my hands shake. I palpitate. This coffee addiction is getting to me. But who cares? As long as I have paper on my lap and pens and pencils to waste. The world is a better place with me and my papers on stock.

Romance. “You are a pure romantic,” they say. “You’re a hopeless romantic,” they say. Oh well, I who loves “Love” itself could be labeled as such. And with romance comes the bitter fights, the raging hearts, the flaming waves of verbal pain. Yes, I. Who avoids arguments. Who hates violence of any kind. Who cries with every hurtful word. I cannot handle romance itself as it drifts away from the picture of fantasy and that reality takes place. Yes I romance. Yes I do everything for the sake of experiencing things. But I guess I have become rusty on it that it does not work anymore. I have lost my appetite for understanding and that I am now a doll inside out.

Now tell me what to do, tell me what to say. I can only obey you now. Cause I have lost interest in exploring things. And if you don’t, I might lead myself nowhere but destruction. “You have firm decisions,” they say. Oh yes, that is why I have been so uncertain lately, afraid to decide because once I have decided, I cannot go back to it. I don’t really depend on anyone. I don’t really listen to anyone. Because I am stubborn as a bull. Because I want to annoy people, let myself get hurt, and see who’ll stay after the storm. That is me, always testing. Always trusting.


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