So how are you lately? I hope that you’re fine in any ways I can imagine. Because I might not be able to be there for you right now. Because as of the moment, I am a mess.Right now, I make it all about me. Because nothing is going right. It is not supposed to be about me, but I make it a point that every occurrence in my life lately is all about me. It’s me being selfish, being close minded to feedback, being arrogant, rude, and complicated. Yes, it is not about me but I want it to be about me.
My first hypothesis is that I am in a phase. This whole crappy thing going on is a phase I am facing. Just like the dark phase of the moon. This will come to pass, I hope it’s all finished by the end of the year. To my deduction, I am depressed due to lack of things to do and words that get to me so easily. I used to do 4 or 6 things at the same time, all with income, everything with something in return. But lately, it has gone down to 2. Only two that generates income and look what’s it doing to my head. I am going overly crazy about nothing to do.
In between these hypotheses are circumstances I did not expect. Like, traveling with artists, expecting and demanding too much, being down due to other people’s feelings.
My second hypothesis is that I have forgotten myself. I have succumbed to the unknown. I let things go and I went with the flow too much that I have forgotten how to be that cheery me. The cause would and might be because I have been hearing too many negative things lately. I kept facing negativity with a brave face, letting my guard down and letting sadness consume me.
I also came up with a solution or two of course. My first solution is that I will go back to isolation, leave everything behind, and sleep in the slumbers of my own self. What are the things that I will leave in this solution? Arts, Scale Modeling, and friends and companions that I recently gained. But would this also mean that I am running away from change? From the adventure that I sought? I guess so. I am uncertain if this is the right solution.
My second solution is that I’d revisit the past, redo the things I did just before this phase that I call, then assess what and where it all went wrong. After assessing, I’d repair the damages and go on with the life and people I have now. But I don’t know if this is just the right thing to do you know?
I actually tried to go back to Zumba. And I just realized I gained my confidence from it. How did I come to this statement? Well, before, I shout and lead with the instructors. When I danced with them lately, I was like whispering or not going with the flow of music anymore. My confidence was gone. Erased. So I guess I’ll just to continue Zumba and see where it leads me.
Mom told me to leave the artists. And I was determined and I have decided. But then they invite me to this exhibit. I told myself I wasn’t going. But at the end of the day, I still went. I don’t know why. My mom scolded me for that. She said that I don’t pity myself. She said that, why would I still go to them after all that happened? The truth is, it’s hard for me to just drop everything about them. I could not explain the pain I felt with what happened but I just couldn’t bring myself to ignore them. I think that I have a soft heart for arts and artists and I think I like it that way at the same I don’t like it.
So here I am again, rambling, confused, uncertain of what path to follow, what solutions to implement.