Confessions of a Misfit

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There was once a priest who told her that wherever she goes and whatever she joins, she will never belong.She will always be different. Her ideas and ideals will always be different from the people around her. That is maybe one of the reasons why she can only keep a few friends and not that many. That is maybe one of the reasons why she’d rather keep things to herself and not share a word with anyone. Although she opens too easily and trusts too easily, she does not want to bother people with her useless emotions. But she also does not care if the people she trusts stabs her back. She is a misfit, after all. She brags about helping people in any way she can. She brags about being cool with whatever people do to her. Although inside her she’s happy yet a little disappointed. She knows that nothing is temporary and that everybody disappears, the only difference is the speed levels.

Being a misfit fits her well, she says. She ain’t that comfortable with people and how most individuals think. She brings about a dozen ideas for one person who has goals. It depends on the person if he or she will take her advice or if he or she will just take advantage of her. Either way, she does not care as she does not belong. Someone says she’s too willing and committed to too many groups of people. She was forced to choose only one, and yes she chose. But inside her, she wants to explode. “Why am I forced to choose when there is no need for it? Why do I need to choose even though I know I won’t belong to anything or anyone? Why do I have to utter words that I know I will regret? Why do I have to face them with a cheerful smile when I’m screaming and crying so loud inside?

“Why am I forced to choose when there is no need for it? Why do I need to choose even though I know I won’t belong to anything or anyone? Why do I have to utter words that I know I will regret? Why do I have to face them with a cheerful smile when I’m screaming and crying so loud inside? Is this how it feels to deal with a lot of different people? Is this how painful it is to be with those who struggle and plays a tug-of-war in reality?”

He Knows You

It’s so nice to know that someone knows you more than anyone else. It’s nice to know that someone knows you, understands you, and knows how to make your day in a different way than others even when it is not intentional. The fact that that person cares and asks about how you feel, and reminds you not to overdo things, it flutters my heart every single time. You may not have noticed it but your smile becomes gentle everytime he talks to you. Yes, he is cold but his coldness is the sweetest thing ever. He messages you on a one-word basis which is his normal side, sometimes the messages are short phrases or long ones when he’s in the mood to explain things. But either way, it makes you smile and laugh all day. When you’re busy with what you’re doing and cannot touch your phone to talk to him, you suddenly remember what he said earlier today or the other day, or something funny that he shared and you laugh out loud as if he’s there beside you repeating his words and watching you as you paint the walls. Often times you forget that he isn’t there. That when you’re lonely and sitting in a cafe, you see him on the chair across you, his face buriedĀ in his arms and murmuring things like, “I told you not to overdo things,” or “Don’t worry about it.” If not, he’s lazy in his seat, staring out the window in silence and you watch him just because. Sometimes, when you are tangled in a situation and you’re tempted to choose the rebellion act, you think of him and remember the fear of losing him when he’s mad. Just how terrifying that thought could be. And that time when your mind and heart hurts because of other people’s pains, that you want to burst out and cry for them, you calm yourself through thinking about what he’ll probably say when he’s there watching you. The coincidences that often appear like you both wanted the same thing, or when you both had the same thoughts but you preferredĀ not to say it out loud. You’re too afraid of too many similarities that you end up being the old, boring, you, instead of stating how weird and cool it is that you’re too similar. You’re even afraid that he’ll get mad at you because you know that when he’s angry it can take up days of no communication just because you don’t listen to him. But in a way you find it cute, him getting mad, and you being the rebel one. My question is, why, of all people to fall for, would you fall for someone who is too far from your reach? Why, when you want to forget, do you always get and tend to be more closer than ever?