I have been better like peanut butter jelly on loaf always come with honey and lemon tea. And though I don’t know the connection I still said those out loud just because it sounded nonesense at the same time it’s cute.
I had been summuned for an emergency meeting only to come home with more homework to do. Mixed up feelings like nervousness and excitement, raising heart beats due to panic and happiness, I become too overwhelmed to face the “now”. Why do I get the feeling that I am being played at,leaving me some tasks for the big day with the kits am rushing on my plate while they are all relaxed and together having a nonesense I don’t even know what to call it??
I grit my teeth as I learn about this and my fists are gettin ready for a fight. But I breathe deep and I closed my eyes and told myself: There are better days for you and for me and this day will not be the day that I go complaining about tasks when in the first place I accepted without question.
I spent the day like a lazy bug crouched on the sofa with layers of blankets and a very thick comforter. The kids ran around the house from here to forth and I occasionally fell asleep as if no one is around. I can still prepare food for them but I can’t eat. I hate myself for being sick. I am not productive for the day. After lunch they took a nap and I am left to my thoughts…
So this is how it feels to do nothing at all. This is how it feels to think about everything, anything, and nothing at the same time. Wow. I wonder if the people who’s used to this kind of nothingness ever gets bored. I wonder if those people ever thought of changing their ways? I guess not. If they have then their label “nothing” would be of no use anymore. But somehow there is a sense in this nothingness. A moment where you find peace and clarity. Where your thoughts drift to things that matters and you’ll be able to see the importance of doing nothing even for just a day. Isn’t that what “Day Off”s are for? For the employed people? But when you have a day off, you still need to do things you cannot and weren’t able to do during your work days. Like laundry, or a pile of dishes, or a date. We always make time for other people. But I wish you would also consider doing nothing at all. Lying down on the bed, on the floor, staring at a distance, not answering calls, not replying to any messages, and saying no to everybody. Try that and you will see that there is a laughable sense in nothingness.
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What pain is this? My tummy growls so hard I could not stand up and walk properly. My tummy clutches and I feel like am being punched or pinched in my stomach. Urgh.
I don’t usually get sick. But when I do, it’s terrible as if am gonna die. To be honest I love sick days. Cause I have a reason to be home all day. Cause it means I am free from obligations and tasks outside my comfy zone. Cause I can lie down on my bed or on the couch, feeling pained but feeling okay. I do not wish to always be sick. I only want a day off, and that is when am sick.
But today makes me so irritated. I wish am not sick. Just for today. Because I have scale modeling kits to finish. Because I want to move around the house like I own the world. Because the kids are together at home, waiting for me to tease and play with them. Because the kids want to burn something in the fireplace and I badly want to join them. Because I have pending articles to submit here and there. Because…just because. Hayyyyy.
My tummy growls in a different way. Maybe am hyper acidic? Or is this ulcer? I don’t know. I have an appointment with the doctor today. But am afraid of clinics and hospitals when it’s about me. So I stay at home and endure the pain. I wait for someone to drag me and accompany me to the hospital. Mom perhaps. But she’s busy. So I endure.
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that these past days were a fairy tale–a dream to which I never plan to wake from but forced to. Dad visiting for my birthday is I guess the best thing ever. I mean, yeah, of course it is a “best thing ever” if it is a marriage he’s visiting, but it’s different when he’s happy and all.
If we were having coffee, I’d be crying right now as I am telling you that I do not want to wake from my dream of having dad and mom together with holding hands and who obviously–according to what I can see and hear–are madly in love with each other. My heart is racing. My mind is battling with my every word. I wanted to go there, here, everywhere. I wanted to do this, that, and everything. I want to do everything at once, and to be everywhere at the same time. Because I know that time is fleeting and I know that all of this is temporary.
If we were having coffee, you’d be laughing at me or your brows are curled up while listening to my rants and ramblings. You might even want to go away from me right now because you’d be hearing secrets and stories and it’d be too much to handle because at some point I am telling you a whole story book and suddenly I am telling you about a new book entirely. The shifting of topics and the mixture of emotions afloat, you’d go crazy over them and you’d wish to vanish right this moment–if it does not excite you in any way, that it.
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that The Secret exists and that as Paulo Coelho says, “If you want something, the universe conspires to help you achieve it.” Because I wished for a simple celebration on my birthday. Because I got what I wanted which is to have dad see mom and my kids as happy as they should be to spend time with their grandfather.
If we were having coffee, we’d be on our 3rd refill already. We’d both be laughing at how absurd and crazy my life has been since I was a kid. But then I’d stop and look outside to realize that it’s already late, the clock struck midnight, and Cinderella’s got to go. So I finish our little coffee time with some more fascinating experiences to tell for our “Next Time”.
I want to see you. But I don’t. I want to hear your voice. But I don’t. So many things I want but I can’t and I don’t. Due to things inevitable. Due to circumstances I cannot control. So I just stand there, waiting for your arrival if you ever will. I just stare at the distance emotionless. I sigh and hate myself for expecting even if I know that I’m giving myself false hopes of your visit. Will you even have the courage to face reality? Will you even have the guts to step up with your heart and make the greatest decision of your life? Or will you just walk right past me like I exist in fairy tales and you live the American Dream with your shattered heart?
I wonder if every daughter feels this way. I wonder if I am the only Daddy’s Girl who does not demand anything from her dad. I wonder if I am the only one who thinks of all the crazy things a spoiled daughter would do for attention’s sake. I wonder if my thoughts are on the right path or have I completely lost my mind and to think that everything can still be fixed with a simple hello.
What I really want…
- is to ride on the bus and ride for hours, not knowing where to go, not knowing when or how or where the trip will end. I won’t go out for bus stops, I am afraid to get left behind. I will just sit by the window and listen to the unlimited songs from Spotify. Maybe an 8-hour ride would do, to have me for myself, to think clearly and come back with a manuscript on hand.
- is to talk to someone for hours, anyone would do. I just want that daily dose of someone’s life shared with a nobody like me. I want to be there for everyone, one day at a time. I want to just keep quiet and listen endlessly to anyone’s ramblings, rants, or banters. It keeps my mind busy thinking about the person I am talking to, and that is what I can call: Friendship Overload.
- is to travel outside my country. Though I may be afraid to be alone, I dare myself to book that flight and go on my own. I have always dreamt of how it would feel to be out where no one knows you, no one you know would judge you for how you look, how you dress, how you act, how you speak.
- is to buy a land out of my own pockets and put up a house with three floors. Where artists of all kinds flock, where friends and different people come in and out to communicate. Where you can stay for a day or two and just hang out in front of a chimney. I may live in a rented house or apartment, I still want that land of mine for other people, not for myself. 😀 Crazy?
- is to try all the hobbies out there. From drawing to painting, from hiking to biking, from photography to videography, from sculpture to scale modeling, from volleyball to swimming, from reading to writing. Although, I am doing most of these things but there are skills I lack that I want to improve and be proud of. haha.
- is to paint the walls, the streets, to gather all the artists around and literally paint the town. I feel so excited and scared at the same time with this.
- is to have that writing company of myself, but I want no one to know that that is mine and mine alone. Why? I am not really good with compliments and all, like, I tend to make mistakes when people see my works or see me working. That is also why I love pen names and secret identities.
- is to have my own designs of clothing at The Project Runway. Impossible, yes I know I know. Silly me. Just said that out of the blue. haha. Some people wanted me to pursue the path of “The Designer” or “The Dressmaker” but I don’t really have the courage to do that. But I want it. Badly. But, no. Yeah, sorry if I am blabbering this contradiction.
- is to send my kids to the best school in town, this year. I want to see them excel in school and out, to listen to their cries and complains of how hard school is, but of course, I’d always be there for them and guide them as they go along. I want them to go chasing chickens and getting into muddy puddles and go home dirty because of a long day’s learn and play.
- is a tattoo. Don’t ask me why. I just want it! haha 😀
P.S. I wrote my 25 Wishes here. So much for Birth Month. Harhar.
So here I am at 2 on a Saturday morning saying Adios Marso!!! Hola, Abril!!!!
Looking back to March, I can only smile so wide. A lot of realizations. A lot of experiences! How did we ever survive together, March? 😀
As to April…I sigh at the same time laugh out loud I cannot keep how cheerful I am. I only have ten or fewer than ten days of free time. What to do with those days, I wonder? But let’s welcome April first with a few songs I’m listening to lately. These songs go through me ina deeper way, like it talks to me directly. So I hope you listen to them today, as April Fools Day is on the Rise but am not playing today. I have a hectic schedule.
Where is this passport you speak of? A passport that will free us all of this damned rules? A passport that will take us to places filled of laughter and joy? I become so desperate to look for this passport. As I have plans of fleeing away from the grounds where I stand right now. As I have decided to change my life and live how I wanted from the start. As I have made up my mind on so many things and one of them is that I will do what I want. If and only I have this passport in the grasp of my fingers.
Let me take a look. If not then let me take a peek on it. If not, let me just brush my fingertips on its cover so I know how freedom feels.
From the Daily Post
I think of you fondly, passport to life
the path to a fantasy…do you really need some whizzy passport?
we travel, some of us forever
to go or not to go…just GO!
show me the passport to my heart, will ya?
the lady vanishes…as she run away with a passport on hand.
When one lacks and the other unlimited
When one seeks and the other takes it for granted
But don’t we all want our fortunes to be told as glorious and bountiful as money sounds like bells ringing in our ears?
Will you belucky with life or will you be filled with fear for the upcoming undesirable events?
Will you be blessed with a travel bag full of cash or will you be begging for the next job vacancy to fulfill your basic needs?
Luck in life or Luck in finance. Both have the same impact and effect on human emotions. Stir up a man’s mind with “fortune” and you got him under your fingernails. And who would do such things? Fortune-tellers, Deal or No Deal hosts, etc etc.
P.S. this is only a snippet thought on fortune, so.
Are you going to wait for a family member to die before you gather round the table and talk? Are you going to wait for your people to leave one by one before you decide you needed them all to fix the problems? Are you going to wait for the world to know that you’re using people for money before you change your ways?
So many questions and a hell lot of different answers. But where do I looke for answers when the people involved are nowhere and everywhere to be found?
Are you going to continue living a lie when you know how painful it is to carry the earth on your shoulders? Are you going to say the words even if it is meaningless and empty? Are you willing to sacrifice yourself for the things you think is good for your life? Or…are you going to risk everything and embrace adventure to its fullest?