I have been better like peanut butter jelly on loaf always come with honey and lemon tea. And though I don’t know the connection I still said those out loud just because it sounded nonesense at the same time it’s cute.
I had been summuned for an emergency meeting only to come home with more homework to do. Mixed up feelings like nervousness and excitement, raising heart beats due to panic and happiness, I become too overwhelmed to face the “now”. Why do I get the feeling that I am being played at,leaving me some tasks for the big day with the kits am rushing on my plate while they are all relaxed and together having a nonesense I don’t even know what to call it??
I grit my teeth as I learn about this and my fists are gettin ready for a fight. But I breathe deep and I closed my eyes and told myself: There are better days for you and for me and this day will not be the day that I go complaining about tasks when in the first place I accepted without question.
I spent the day like a lazy bug crouched on the sofa with layers of blankets and a very thick comforter. The kids ran around the house from here to forth and I occasionally fell asleep as if no one is around. I can still prepare food for them but I can’t eat. I hate myself for being sick. I am not productive for the day. After lunch they took a nap and I am left to my thoughts…
So this is how it feels to do nothing at all. This is how it feels to think about everything, anything, and nothing at the same time. Wow. I wonder if the people who’s used to this kind of nothingness ever gets bored. I wonder if those people ever thought of changing their ways? I guess not. If they have then their label “nothing” would be of no use anymore. But somehow there is a sense in this nothingness. A moment where you find peace and clarity. Where your thoughts drift to things that matters and you’ll be able to see the importance of doing nothing even for just a day. Isn’t that what “Day Off”s are for? For the employed people? But when you have a day off, you still need to do things you cannot and weren’t able to do during your work days. Like laundry, or a pile of dishes, or a date. We always make time for other people. But I wish you would also consider doing nothing at all. Lying down on the bed, on the floor, staring at a distance, not answering calls, not replying to any messages, and saying no to everybody. Try that and you will see that there is a laughable sense in nothingness.
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that these past days were a fairy tale–a dream to which I never plan to wake from but forced to. Dad visiting for my birthday is I guess the best thing ever. I mean, yeah, of course it is a “best thing ever” if it is a marriage he’s visiting, but it’s different when he’s happy and all.
If we were having coffee, I’d be crying right now as I am telling you that I do not want to wake from my dream of having dad and mom together with holding hands and who obviously–according to what I can see and hear–are madly in love with each other. My heart is racing. My mind is battling with my every word. I wanted to go there, here, everywhere. I wanted to do this, that, and everything. I want to do everything at once, and to be everywhere at the same time. Because I know that time is fleeting and I know that all of this is temporary.
If we were having coffee, you’d be laughing at me or your brows are curled up while listening to my rants and ramblings. You might even want to go away from me right now because you’d be hearing secrets and stories and it’d be too much to handle because at some point I am telling you a whole story book and suddenly I am telling you about a new book entirely. The shifting of topics and the mixture of emotions afloat, you’d go crazy over them and you’d wish to vanish right this moment–if it does not excite you in any way, that it.
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that The Secret exists and that as Paulo Coelho says, “If you want something, the universe conspires to help you achieve it.” Because I wished for a simple celebration on my birthday. Because I got what I wanted which is to have dad see mom and my kids as happy as they should be to spend time with their grandfather.
If we were having coffee, we’d be on our 3rd refill already. We’d both be laughing at how absurd and crazy my life has been since I was a kid. But then I’d stop and look outside to realize that it’s already late, the clock struck midnight, and Cinderella’s got to go. So I finish our little coffee time with some more fascinating experiences to tell for our “Next Time”.
So here I am at 2 on a Saturday morning saying Adios Marso!!! Hola, Abril!!!!
Looking back to March, I can only smile so wide. A lot of realizations. A lot of experiences! How did we ever survive together, March? 😀
As to April…I sigh at the same time laugh out loud I cannot keep how cheerful I am. I only have ten or fewer than ten days of free time. What to do with those days, I wonder? But let’s welcome April first with a few songs I’m listening to lately. These songs go through me ina deeper way, like it talks to me directly. So I hope you listen to them today, as April Fools Day is on the Rise but am not playing today. I have a hectic schedule.
Where is this passport you speak of? A passport that will free us all of this damned rules? A passport that will take us to places filled of laughter and joy? I become so desperate to look for this passport. As I have plans of fleeing away from the grounds where I stand right now. As I have decided to change my life and live how I wanted from the start. As I have made up my mind on so many things and one of them is that I will do what I want. If and only I have this passport in the grasp of my fingers.
Let me take a look. If not then let me take a peek on it. If not, let me just brush my fingertips on its cover so I know how freedom feels.
But don’t we all want our fortunes to be told as glorious and bountiful as money sounds like bells ringing in our ears?
Will you belucky with life or will you be filled with fear for the upcoming undesirable events?
Will you be blessed with a travel bag full of cash or will you be begging for the next job vacancy to fulfill your basic needs?
Luck in life or Luck in finance. Both have the same impact and effect on human emotions. Stir up a man’s mind with “fortune” and you got him under your fingernails. And who would do such things? Fortune-tellers, Deal or No Deal hosts, etc etc.
P.S. this is only a snippet thought on fortune, so.
If we were having coffee, am sure as hell that I’d be silent outside and screaming inside. My mind is in chaos with these mixed up emotions building. One heavy circumstance after another and am not even given a time to let things sink in. Wow.
But I’ll ask you how you are, how your day went, and I want every detail of it. It does not matter whether it is boring or not as long as I know what have you been up to. Cause that is how curious I am to your whereabouts. Because I love listening to you and your voice. Because I know that sometimes, even if you don’t say it, you want someone to listen to you. Because there are also times that I want a diversion, a way to suppress my own thoughts by knowing someone’s day.
So if I say your name or call out to you or just send a smiley, that means I want you to talk to me, to tell me anything. Just because. I wish you’d know how much I care for one person as much as I care for all the people I meet along the way.
If we were having coffee right now, can you imagine? We’re at some sidewalk café, sipping some not-so-hard coffee drink and laughing out loud like there’s no tomorrow. Our crazy adventures collide, our thoughts go in parallel paths as we think alike. We even have thoughts on drinking beer or something hard but we don’t cause we just…don’t. It’s like a mutual understanding that we save those beer or liquor moments for that special day, where we are celebrating something big. And we don’t have to say anything about it cause we already know it by heart.
So…how are you? How’s life lately? How have you been treating your days when we weren’t together? I am sure that you are having your own best-day-of-your-life moments from time to time. And I also know that you’re dying to share them, so call me and I’ll be there to listen. I am excited!
Have you ever experienced waking up in the morning just to realize that you are the assistant secretary of a state? That the moment you opened your eyes, you aren’t the person you are and people expect too much of you since 12 midnight? That the way you think and act changes just because someone told you what you are, what your responsibilities are, and what you should be doing? And in every shocking moment, you become somebody else, still you, but a wee bit different?
Cause I have. And this morning I woke up feeling different. I did not know words were that powerful. Did I just let their words sink into me? An urge to run away, but the people I expect to object suddenly supports me. Weird.
So yeah, I was elected as assistant secretary. More like trainee for the next secretary. Nobody wants this job and it scares the hell out of me. I know nothing of the responsibilities and how heavy it is. And then the secretary tells me “You will be the one to run Invitationals,” say what now? Panic mode. Do I look like am perfect for this job? Uh-no. But the secretary kept talking to me like the world is reborn and ending at the same time.
When I woke up, I felt strange. I wanted to do something very productive and I wanted to do so many things.
“Don’t hesitate to do the things that make your heart flutter!”, my brain keeps shouting at me. But how do you do that when there are too much awkward moments, to begin with. It’s like, your instinct says it’s a good time to move but your body’s frozen.