What pain is this? My tummy growls so hard I could not stand up and walk properly. My tummy clutches and I feel like am being punched or pinched in my stomach. Urgh.
I don’t usually get sick. But when I do, it’s terrible as if am gonna die. To be honest I love sick days. Cause I have a reason to be home all day. Cause it means I am free from obligations and tasks outside my comfy zone. Cause I can lie down on my bed or on the couch, feeling pained but feeling okay. I do not wish to always be sick. I only want a day off, and that is when am sick.
But today makes me so irritated. I wish am not sick. Just for today. Because I have scale modeling kits to finish. Because I want to move around the house like I own the world. Because the kids are together at home, waiting for me to tease and play with them. Because the kids want to burn something in the fireplace and I badly want to join them. Because I have pending articles to submit here and there. Because…just because. Hayyyyy.
My tummy growls in a different way. Maybe am hyper acidic? Or is this ulcer? I don’t know. I have an appointment with the doctor today. But am afraid of clinics and hospitals when it’s about me. So I stay at home and endure the pain. I wait for someone to drag me and accompany me to the hospital. Mom perhaps. But she’s busy. So I endure.
I want to see you. But I don’t. I want to hear your voice. But I don’t. So many things I want but I can’t and I don’t. Due to things inevitable. Due to circumstances I cannot control. So I just stand there, waiting for your arrival if you ever will. I just stare at the distance emotionless. I sigh and hate myself for expecting even if I know that I’m giving myself false hopes of your visit. Will you even have the courage to face reality? Will you even have the guts to step up with your heart and make the greatest decision of your life? Or will you just walk right past me like I exist in fairy tales and you live the American Dream with your shattered heart?
I wonder if every daughter feels this way. I wonder if I am the only Daddy’s Girl who does not demand anything from her dad. I wonder if I am the only one who thinks of all the crazy things a spoiled daughter would do for attention’s sake. I wonder if my thoughts are on the right path or have I completely lost my mind and to think that everything can still be fixed with a simple hello.
is to ride on the bus and ride for hours, not knowing where to go, not knowing when or how or where the trip will end. I won’t go out for bus stops, I am afraid to get left behind. I will just sit by the window and listen to the unlimited songs from Spotify. Maybe an 8-hour ride would do, to have me for myself, to think clearly and come back with a manuscript on hand.
is to talk to someone for hours, anyone would do. I just want that daily dose of someone’s life shared with a nobody like me. I want to be there for everyone, one day at a time. I want to just keep quiet and listen endlessly to anyone’s ramblings, rants, or banters. It keeps my mind busy thinking about the person I am talking to, and that is what I can call: Friendship Overload.
is to travel outside my country. Though I may be afraid to be alone, I dare myself to book that flight and go on my own. I have always dreamt of how it would feel to be out where no one knows you, no one you know would judge you for how you look, how you dress, how you act, how you speak.
is to buy a land out of my own pockets and put up a house with three floors. Where artists of all kinds flock, where friends and different people come in and out to communicate. Where you can stay for a day or two and just hang out in front of a chimney. I may live in a rented house or apartment, I still want that land of mine for other people, not for myself. 😀 Crazy?
is to try all the hobbies out there. From drawing to painting, from hiking to biking, from photography to videography, from sculpture to scale modeling, from volleyball to swimming, from reading to writing. Although, I am doing most of these things but there are skills I lack that I want to improve and be proud of. haha.
is to paint the walls, the streets, to gather all the artists around and literally paint the town. I feel so excited and scared at the same time with this.
is to have that writing company of myself, but I want no one to know that that is mine and mine alone. Why? I am not really good with compliments and all, like, I tend to make mistakes when people see my works or see me working. That is also why I love pen names and secret identities.
is to have my own designs of clothing at The Project Runway. Impossible, yes I know I know. Silly me. Just said that out of the blue. haha. Some people wanted me to pursue the path of “The Designer” or “The Dressmaker” but I don’t really have the courage to do that. But I want it. Badly. But, no. Yeah, sorry if I am blabbering this contradiction.
is to send my kids to the best school in town, this year. I want to see them excel in school and out, to listen to their cries and complains of how hard school is, but of course, I’d always be there for them and guide them as they go along. I want them to go chasing chickens and getting into muddy puddles and go home dirty because of a long day’s learn and play.
is a tattoo. Don’t ask me why. I just want it! haha 😀
P.S. I wrote my 25 Wishes here. So much for Birth Month. Harhar.
Are you going to wait for a family member to die before you gather round the table and talk? Are you going to wait for your people to leave one by one before you decide you needed them all to fix the problems? Are you going to wait for the world to know that you’re using people for money before you change your ways?
So many questions and a hell lot of different answers. But where do I looke for answers when the people involved are nowhere and everywhere to be found?
Are you going to continue living a lie when you know how painful it is to carry the earth on your shoulders? Are you going to say the words even if it is meaningless and empty? Are you willing to sacrifice yourself for the things you think is good for your life? Or…are you going to risk everything and embrace adventure to its fullest?
Crushing dreams, crumbling hearts. I go escape a day of reality to face another reality.
On my way, I feel excited and alone. I did not think about what could happen on the following hours. Cause I have no idea, actually. And I just want to enjoy my ride alone. Fleeting hours, I took a 30-minute nap, then chatted endlessly.
My sister was supposed to fetch me, cause this girl will get lostin Manila you know! But she just woke up when I arrived at the terminal. I was pushed to have an adventure, unexpectedly. I rode the LRT for the first time, alone. Haha. Then walked and walked until I reached Robinsons Place. What a fancy place, my little sister lives in. Had breakfast at McDonald’s and went to her condo to sleep while waiting for dad’s go signal.
We had lunch at Almon Marina and I loved the Seafood Kebab meal. Then strolled a bit. Looked for corporate attires and all. Pricey fancy things that I don’t want that much. Then had Mango Bravo at Conti’s Bakeshop and Restaurant. Strolled again, bought monkeys and went back to the condo then rode on a bus home.
As for emotions are concerned, I am appalled. I don’t know why, I dont know how. I just know that this isn’t right at all, no matter how you or me change the atmosphere. I actually decided and wanted to see for myself, to satisfy my hunger for answers. And I got it, unconsciously. I wanted to cry my heart out. But if I do, my kids at home will greet me with puffy eyes? I don’t want that. All I could do is suck it up and smile. What will I tell them when they ask? Of course I’ll tell them that I went to see their grandpa but he was sick so he coudn’t come see them early or right now, or whatever. Lies pile up like molten rocks on a mountain where lava hides inside.
The man I can not greet in public. Or sorry, let me rephrase that. The man I am not allowed to greet in public. The man I am not allowed to say cheesy things like how I love him or how my life is, lately. That even if he asks, I have to say how great it is that I am receiving his love and care even if he is so near yet so far from me.
So. I went home with material stuff from the great old man and I slept a little to forget my selfish thoughts. I have to be bigger than this, you know.
Note/s from the trip: Nothing goes wrong if you stock a can or two of Pringles when traveling. Family bonds are the most special moments you can ever get even if it was just through escaping from both sides of reality, even if it just takes half of your day.
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I am recently overwhelmed, that tears are starting to form right about now if I don’t stop talking about it. Okay.
I’m heading to Manila tonight. To accompany my sister and meet with dad. But before that…recap.
So I was a day late with reality. I thought it’s still Friday. But yesterday, I rejected someone’s invitation because I already accepted and scheduled my day for someone else. Although I can make two appointments a day, I did not because it was my first time hanging out with someone who I think is neutral and is in an organization that caught my attention. My adventurous side was poked once again.
I tagged along without knowing if that person really wanted me to come with him. We talked about almost everything and I think that my facial expressions are too showy, again, like, my words does not sync with my facial expressions. Why am I so expressive with my mouth and eyes?! Urgh! Anyways, I got conscious cause yeah that person caught me by the face, I guess.
We ate fishcakes! Cause that person does not now what they are, and also Ramen! Bahaha! So we ate what I have been craving for weeks now. Though I have eaten these consistently, it’s always a different experience. hahaha! We were rushing to go home but not really and then we talked more. I mean, that person talked about his experiences a lot. I loved it. I loved it when all I have to do is listen. I guess my weakness comes from being asked about my feelings as of the moment so it was good that that did not come out in any way. I was just so happy and excited!
I suddenly remembered kuya Tor, an artist who told me one time: ” Wow, you really meet people who loves to talk and tell stories huh”, and when I think about it, he was right. I always have this special connection with people who loves to talk. That am happy about.
And then grandma gets confined again. Back to the hospital and my thoughts on hospital related stories. Mom told me to go and look after her. So I decided to bring my volks and weather it tonight. At the hospital. After buying dinner and right before eating eat, mom says ” let your aunt eat that cause you’re going to Manila tonight”. Say what now?! So here I am, preparing for a trip that I don’t even know what’s gonna happen.
But, in between these events, a heavy heart lurks inside. Mad and overwhelmed, I don’t really have any idea what to do or how to deal with difficult people. Yes, I know I have to understand where they’re coming from and all, but this is too much. Why bother talking to me when you know deep inside you, you’re doubting me and that you just want to bombard my life like am easy as pie?! Strange as it is, I feel empty. I feel like am still in chains and you’re holding me by the neck. This is why am undecided as to what to do with Facebook. Deactivate or not? If I do, how about the people who sincerely wants to talk to me? But yes, deactivate for the whole month, April. Just because it’s my birth month! haha!
So if we were having coffee, I might be crying while laughing right now. Because I am sad as well as excited. And you might think am crazy and yes you may even call me “The Drama Queen”. 😀
Ran errands for mom, listened to Mozart for the whole day. I was supposed to meet Yumi the dog, but the text message got lost somewhere. Then I walked to town again. I ordered a chicken sandwich at McDonald’s just so I won’t get kicked out. haha. Tired.
I’m bored. I don’t have anything or anyone to annoy. So I just called out for someone who I now will bully me but at least I could bully too. hahaha! Kuya Gee brought me sand bags for my tank. Then I tagged along to annoy him and be noisy as I can be. This boredom is killing me. I laughed out loud and jumped liked a kid. I called him “Balong” too loud for anyone to hear just because. I enjoyed his company. He satisfies my thirst for annoying people to the max. I can’t do that with others. They’re too serious to piss off. They’re too straight and takes things like it’s a matter of life and death. And I don’t like that. Cause I take everything as a joke. I make everything as a joke. I know, I know, I have my limits too. Boundaries I should not cross or am the one who’ll end up as the laughing stock. But that’s okay too. I guess am used to it? bahahaha.
Kuya Gee visited our home. To check up on my works in progress. Whew. I was glad he came. I got so many mistakes on my figures. He asked if I watch Youtube tutorials. No. I am tempted to sleep while watching Youtube tutorials. Maybe that’s why am slow at learning with these german figures. lol. So he let me watch some tutorials, scolded me for my mistakes, and taught me what I lack. For now. Then he made me walk from our house to RFQ where we usually buy paints and thinners. Dreadful and I know it’s his way of bullying too but that’s okay. Then went home.
I am so tired. So exhausted. But so excited to continue the figures cause I learned something new. But am not gonna post some photos. I’m shy. Look at it when it’s almost done. haha.
Took a nap at night. I woke up at 12:14am, thinking I should go build. But fear of the dark takes over once again. Instead I listened to Mozart and typed. With mixed emotions because of social media chatting and all, I could not go back to sleep. haha. I’m thrilled and excited. Saying a bit of the truth then says it’s a joke then change the change subject and say another piece of truth. haha. The merry-go-round of words is amazing as it gets.
P.S. I’ve been rambling that mauch lately? Sorry. Too much mixed emotions.
Went out to console a friend. While waiting, I dropped by at some stores to choose a change of outfits for future formal meetings. Listed a few chic dresses and fancy pants then went to search for some goody heels at Payless. Am a regular there so better yet get my everythin from there. Harhar.
A post shared by KJ Bumahit (@kibincosme) on Mar 21, 2017 at 10:32pm PDT
Had lunch at BonChon, my fave go-to-lunch for comfort food and whatnot. I eat there to destress and hide myself from the world (how when it’s not that hidden of a place? Idunno, the food I guess?). I went there today to listen to a friend, catch up with life, and to hide myself. I originally planned to shut up and just listen and not make it about me and my little galaxy. With just the mention of someone, the table turned around. I heard myself talking about what’s happening with me lately. And I couldn’t stop. But if I stop it immediately, I could have cried. I avoid eye-contact when, you know, I don’t really want to talk about something and am caught up in the middle of the conversation, feeling trapped and scared. And I really wanted to cry since morning.
One way for me to destress is listening to you and your problems. That way, I wouldn’t think much about my own stresses. I would be too into what you’re saying and less thinking of me. (But I ruined it, didn’t I? 😦 )
My grey sweatsuit under the heat of a Dagupan-like sun is not helping at all. Walked to Bayanihan Heritage Library but it’s closed so just roamed around the Ukay-Ukay haven. Looked for kits and bags with strap pockets but to no avail. Then off to the city library but stopped for a quick fishcake and I don’t know what the noodles wrapped in nori was called (with added hotdog inside 😂). Brushed my hand through the books, flipped some artsy literatures and sat down before I enjoy the books and forget about my friend who’s focused on his laptop. Walked to El Cielito to get cash in a flash and went to Teachers’ Camp.
Ohhh, the silence, the breeze, and a network marketing seminar was being heard from a near hall. Walked through and through.
Rode a jeepney back to town. If I was to walk another mile, I think I won’t make it. Hahahaha! But it was a great walking trip day!
I listed a lot of new food establishments to try for some other day~! 😁
As I bid farewell I also apologized. I was like a kid today. My intentions of consoling a friend turned upside down and I don’t even know if that friend enjoyed my company or not. Bahaha. First time to question myself. haha.
P.S. I told ya, what happens on a Monday, happens for the rest of the week. lol.
What a day! As I have said, in my mind, before: what happens on a Monday happens for the rest of the week. It may not be the same events but it gives off the same emotions.
So on a Tuesday I was scared and doubtful of someone’s actions. I helped someone choose a suit. I ran from SM to Maharlika for the sake of Haro. I ate pizza with friends. I got 2 Kit-Kat bars. I stayed for childhood memories of people I now care alot about.
I go along and I get green jokes, yes that would be normal as I have experienced acquaintances who jokes that way. But when someone does it and says things in a way that it doesn’t sound like a joke, then it isn’t funny anymore. No matter how I respect you and no matter how close we are, I can’t take your words as a joke. And, no matter how I care about my “being always there” for whatever you say, I cannot go because I feel scared. Haha. So, am sorry.
I find men’s fashion fun and a good diversion from brain stressed to eye stress. And it happens on the right time that when am brain stressed, meaning when am bothered by useless drama, I get kidnapped or I become occupied by choosing what should men wear on different occassions. Harhar.
And then here comes a friend who wants to bully me by telling me he’s on his way home but if I like to get the Haro, then I have 30 minutes or less to go to Maharlika for it. If not, I’d have to pay the Haro. Wow. Just wow. What’d you expect? Of course I rode a cab. Traffic jam, I got down halfway and ran. Who cares if my body hurts like hell? I just did. I arrived almost a minute late. He laughed, as expected. Hahaha.
I went to White Base to deliver some droppers and eat pizza. Sadly, the person who should have a slice wasn’t around and there were a lot of people. So, hello to “give way, high way” mode. Haha.
Kit-Kat!!! I am not a chocolate person. But on special occassions, I tend to munch on them like a happy kid jumping over candies. When things go wrong or when I badly need a hug. Lucky me, the timing is always right. I even got two Kit-Kat bars!!! Bahaha.
Childhood memories. Of people way older than me. Three men talked about games they played as a kid. Like spiders in an apartment match box then goes to the ring for a fight; text games; running and climbing and jumping; stealing teachers’ chalks; playing stones; chinese garters; jolens; and a lot more. I sat there, as ignorant as I am, thinking “what have I been doing as a kid?” Okay, okay. As they describe some of the games, I might have seen some school mates playing them, I just don’t know what it was called. And the reason I know nothing about such games? I was raised in a “box”, metaphorically speaking.
If I only had the guts to cry about it, I would have asked my mom why I was so distant to the world, why have I lived in a box, like she always said lately. But I don’t have the guts to cry or complain about it. All I can think about now is that I’d want to try some of those games. My gosh. At my age? Wanting to play? Not in a million years, but yes, just in my mind. Maybe that’s okay. Haha.
I went home. With a lot of questions in my head. But I felt so ecstatic. Again, mixed up emotions. Happy but meh. Excited and curious. Partly sad about pizza and childhood but learned a lot. For me, the day was memorable. Yeah I know, sorry for the drama. I just have this thing for making things dramatic. Aaaand, I am awake at 2am of Wednesday, typing about Tuesday, excited about what Wednesday is all about.
So I called this day “The Day I Talked to People The Most”. Because I had a meeting with SM. Because I had an opportunity for me and my artist friends. Because I talked to an artist who knows about business too. Because I went home and came back to town to meet with an artist who thinks clearly and speaks calmly about things and situations. Because finally, things are clearing up for me. Because I went to a hobby shop to find solace and I found it and got even more. Because while knowing that other people are facing some kind of chaos, I was everywhere thinking of how to improve one’s life by just being there for them. I could say that I am tired and exhausted, but I feel so happy that ideas and things pop up into my head so fast that I need and I really really have to talk to someone who needs some piece of talk. Any kind of talk for that matter.
Because while knowing that other people are facing some kind of chaos, I was everywhere thinking of how to improve one’s life by just being there for them. I could say that I am tired and exhausted, but I feel so happy that ideas and things pop up into my head so fast that I need and I really really have to talk to someone who needs some piece of talk. Any kind of talk for that matter. Because this brain needs something to work on. The more problems, the better. The harder the conversation is, the better. I love debating about things and ideas. I love pointing out how correct you are or how right I am.
I talked to 12 people today. For an anti-social (joke) like me, that’s too much. I normally talk to 3 people at most for a day. Two is okay, three would make me lazy at home, 4 would make me keep my phone in silent mode so I won’t be tempted to check notifications. 5 would exhaust me and 7 would drain me totally. So what will 12 individuals do to me then? Hyper Mode, maybe. Ha ha ha!