If we were having coffee, am sure as hell that I’d be silent outside and screaming inside. My mind is in chaos with these mixed up emotions building. One heavy circumstance after another and am not even given a time to let things sink in. Wow.
But I’ll ask you how you are, how your day went, and I want every detail of it. It does not matter whether it is boring or not as long as I know what have you been up to. Cause that is how curious I am to your whereabouts. Because I love listening to you and your voice. Because I know that sometimes, even if you don’t say it, you want someone to listen to you. Because there are also times that I want a diversion, a way to suppress my own thoughts by knowing someone’s day.
So if I say your name or call out to you or just send a smiley, that means I want you to talk to me, to tell me anything. Just because. I wish you’d know how much I care for one person as much as I care for all the people I meet along the way.
If we were having coffee right now, can you imagine? We’re at some sidewalk café, sipping some not-so-hard coffee drink and laughing out loud like there’s no tomorrow. Our crazy adventures collide, our thoughts go in parallel paths as we think alike. We even have thoughts on drinking beer or something hard but we don’t cause we just…don’t. It’s like a mutual understanding that we save those beer or liquor moments for that special day, where we are celebrating something big. And we don’t have to say anything about it cause we already know it by heart.
So…how are you? How’s life lately? How have you been treating your days when we weren’t together? I am sure that you are having your own best-day-of-your-life moments from time to time. And I also know that you’re dying to share them, so call me and I’ll be there to listen. I am excited!
So I called this day “The Day I Talked to People The Most”. Because I had a meeting with SM. Because I had an opportunity for me and my artist friends. Because I talked to an artist who knows about business too. Because I went home and came back to town to meet with an artist who thinks clearly and speaks calmly about things and situations. Because finally, things are clearing up for me. Because I went to a hobby shop to find solace and I found it and got even more. Because while knowing that other people are facing some kind of chaos, I was everywhere thinking of how to improve one’s life by just being there for them. I could say that I am tired and exhausted, but I feel so happy that ideas and things pop up into my head so fast that I need and I really really have to talk to someone who needs some piece of talk. Any kind of talk for that matter.
Because while knowing that other people are facing some kind of chaos, I was everywhere thinking of how to improve one’s life by just being there for them. I could say that I am tired and exhausted, but I feel so happy that ideas and things pop up into my head so fast that I need and I really really have to talk to someone who needs some piece of talk. Any kind of talk for that matter. Because this brain needs something to work on. The more problems, the better. The harder the conversation is, the better. I love debating about things and ideas. I love pointing out how correct you are or how right I am.
I talked to 12 people today. For an anti-social (joke) like me, that’s too much. I normally talk to 3 people at most for a day. Two is okay, three would make me lazy at home, 4 would make me keep my phone in silent mode so I won’t be tempted to check notifications. 5 would exhaust me and 7 would drain me totally. So what will 12 individuals do to me then? Hyper Mode, maybe. Ha ha ha!
Have you ever experienced waking up in the morning just to realize that you are the assistant secretary of a state? That the moment you opened your eyes, you aren’t the person you are and people expect too much of you since 12 midnight? That the way you think and act changes just because someone told you what you are, what your responsibilities are, and what you should be doing? And in every shocking moment, you become somebody else, still you, but a wee bit different?
Cause I have. And this morning I woke up feeling different. I did not know words were that powerful. Did I just let their words sink into me? An urge to run away, but the people I expect to object suddenly supports me. Weird.
So yeah, I was elected as assistant secretary. More like trainee for the next secretary. Nobody wants this job and it scares the hell out of me. I know nothing of the responsibilities and how heavy it is. And then the secretary tells me “You will be the one to run Invitationals,” say what now? Panic mode. Do I look like am perfect for this job? Uh-no. But the secretary kept talking to me like the world is reborn and ending at the same time.
When I woke up, I felt strange. I wanted to do something very productive and I wanted to do so many things.
“Don’t hesitate to do the things that make your heart flutter!”, my brain keeps shouting at me. But how do you do that when there are too much awkward moments, to begin with. It’s like, your instinct says it’s a good time to move but your body’s frozen.
There was once a priest who told her that wherever she goes and whatever she joins, she will never belong.She will always be different. Her ideas and ideals will always be different from the people around her. That is maybe one of the reasons why she can only keep a few friends and not that many. That is maybe one of the reasons why she’d rather keep things to herself and not share a word with anyone. Although she opens too easily and trusts too easily, she does not want to bother people with her useless emotions. But she also does not care if the people she trusts stabs her back. She is a misfit, after all. She brags about helping people in any way she can. She brags about being cool with whatever people do to her. Although inside her she’s happy yet a little disappointed. She knows that nothing is temporary and that everybody disappears, the only difference is the speed levels.
Being a misfit fits her well, she says. She ain’t that comfortable with people and how most individuals think. She brings about a dozen ideas for one person who has goals. It depends on the person if he or she will take her advice or if he or she will just take advantage of her. Either way, she does not care as she does not belong. Someone says she’s too willing and committed to too many groups of people. She was forced to choose only one, and yes she chose. But inside her, she wants to explode. “Why am I forced to choose when there is no need for it? Why do I need to choose even though I know I won’t belong to anything or anyone? Why do I have to utter words that I know I will regret? Why do I have to face them with a cheerful smile when I’m screaming and crying so loud inside?
“Why am I forced to choose when there is no need for it? Why do I need to choose even though I know I won’t belong to anything or anyone? Why do I have to utter words that I know I will regret? Why do I have to face them with a cheerful smile when I’m screaming and crying so loud inside? Is this how it feels to deal with a lot of different people? Is this how painful it is to be with those who struggle and plays a tug-of-war in reality?”
It’s so nice to know that someone knows you more than anyone else. It’s nice to know that someone knows you, understands you, and knows how to make your day in a different way than others even when it is not intentional. The fact that that person cares and asks about how you feel, and reminds you not to overdo things, it flutters my heart every single time. You may not have noticed it but your smile becomes gentle everytime he talks to you. Yes, he is cold but his coldness is the sweetest thing ever. He messages you on a one-word basis which is his normal side, sometimes the messages are short phrases or long ones when he’s in the mood to explain things. But either way, it makes you smile and laugh all day. When you’re busy with what you’re doing and cannot touch your phone to talk to him, you suddenly remember what he said earlier today or the other day, or something funny that he shared and you laugh out loud as if he’s there beside you repeating his words and watching you as you paint the walls. Often times you forget that he isn’t there. That when you’re lonely and sitting in a cafe, you see him on the chair across you, his face buried in his arms and murmuring things like, “I told you not to overdo things,” or “Don’t worry about it.” If not, he’s lazy in his seat, staring out the window in silence and you watch him just because. Sometimes, when you are tangled in a situation and you’re tempted to choose the rebellion act, you think of him and remember the fear of losing him when he’s mad. Just how terrifying that thought could be. And that time when your mind and heart hurts because of other people’s pains, that you want to burst out and cry for them, you calm yourself through thinking about what he’ll probably say when he’s there watching you. The coincidences that often appear like you both wanted the same thing, or when you both had the same thoughts but you preferred not to say it out loud. You’re too afraid of too many similarities that you end up being the old, boring, you, instead of stating how weird and cool it is that you’re too similar. You’re even afraid that he’ll get mad at you because you know that when he’s angry it can take up days of no communication just because you don’t listen to him. But in a way you find it cute, him getting mad, and you being the rebel one. My question is, why, of all people to fall for, would you fall for someone who is too far from your reach? Why, when you want to forget, do you always get and tend to be more closer than ever?
You are invited to a banquet of royalties, a feast for the one and only HER. The said occasion will be held in HERWorld with HERSnipperts for you to uncover. The said royalties include her ideals, her people like Remojiv, the prince, the king, and her captor, the thug. You will be able to meet her person, her fears, her impossible encounters. And this would be held on the 4th full moon of the year, where the moon is too near on earth and is tainted red.
If in case, you cannot come, please do tell in advance as early as 2 full moons beforehand. So she can remove your special spot in her banquet, a seat she reserved for you, a seat where your name is embarked on it and was specially made for you. Whatever your reasons may be for not attending, please do take note and put it in words she can understand so as not to make her your suspicious neighbor.
Again, you are invited to this banquet of royalties with HERMind thinking that you will come. If you do come, you are expected to wear your best clothes: YOURSELF. If you are coming in a suit and tie or a gown, you will be banned from this particular occasion as a first-degree warning that HERHeart is doubtful of you and your presence in the upcoming events in HERWorld.
Swim in a swimming pool. For the whole week, day and night. If not a week, three days would do. Even f it is just for a day, as long it is for the whole day.
Paint more walls. Paid or not, I just want to continuously paint walls.
Wall Climbing. The one thing I want to try every time I see people in a sports suit.
Master some recipes from around the world. It does not have to be everything, it just has to be some special recipes.
Teach French Parenting at the same time doing it to my kids. Cause their way of raising their children are way better than any other countries. Once perfected and shared their ways, I believe that I have raised good men for the future.
travel writing with income. That is my current dream job.
Build a house studio in Paris. I have always wanted a house studio in my local area (Baguio City), but if it seems impossible, I’d love to build it in Paris. It may not be unique as many house studios reside there, but at least I can call it “mine”.
Archery. I tried and failed and now I want to conquer it by mastering its art. “The Art of Archery” and how Robin Hood stole from the rich. Aww, I love that!
Publish a book in 30 languages. I want to publish a book of y own, of course, after the IPMS Local Magazine. And then I want it to be translated into 30 languages and sold all over the world. (Yeah, big dream. Paulo Coelho level dream)
Travel. Thailand, Hawaii, Japan. This year, hoping to go out of the country.
Collect Saber figurines. Because I really love Fate Stay Night.
Someone asked me lately, “Why do you keep on stabbing yourself with people and situations? Is it for enjoyment? Pleasure?”
Whoa. Honestly speaking I don’t know. Just before that question, I told someone “I am right here, ready for you to hurt. Whenever, wherever.”
“Why do you keep on letting people hurt you?” one would ask. And I would smile and whisper in my mind, “so they won’t hurt anybody else.” Is that reasonable enough for you? Would that justify my actions and satisfy your curiosity?
I admit, I am weak at heart. I easily break from sad little things. But I guess I exist to get hurt, to love more than how people loves me, to give more than what people gives anybody else, to serve more than necessary, to do everything more than what others do for people and so much more.
And yes, I rant, I whine, I complain at times. I get too sad and push certain people away from me by saying painful words. I even cry when I am alone. But nobody really knows why. Nobody knows the burden that I carry every time somebody gets hurt. It would be lesser a burden for me if I am the one who’s hurt rather than knowing that someone is in pain.