#WeekendCoffeeShare: Get Dizzy On This One

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I am recently overwhelmed, that tears are starting to form right about now if I don’t stop talking about it. Okay.
I’m heading to Manila tonight. To accompany my sister and meet with dad. But before that…recap.

So I was a day late with reality. I thought it’s still Friday. But yesterday, I rejected someone’s invitation because I already accepted and scheduled my day for someone else. Although I can make two appointments a day, I did not because it was my first time hanging out with someone who I think is neutral and is in an organization that caught my attention. My adventurous side was poked once again.

I tagged along without knowing if that person really wanted me to come with him. We talked about almost everything and I think that my facial expressions are too showy, again, like, my words does not sync with my facial expressions. Why am I so expressive with my mouth and eyes?! Urgh! Anyways, I got conscious cause yeah that person caught me by the face, I guess.

We ate fishcakes! Cause that person does not now what they are, and also Ramen! Bahaha! So we ate what I have been craving for weeks now. Though I have eaten these consistently, it’s always a different experience. hahaha! We were rushing to go home but not really and then we talked more. I mean, that person talked about his experiences a lot. I loved it. I loved it when all I have to do is listen. I guess my weakness comes from being asked about my feelings as of the moment so it was good that that did not come out in any way. I was just so happy and excited!

I suddenly remembered kuya Tor, an artist who told me one time: ” Wow, you really meet people who loves to talk and tell stories huh”, and when I think about it, he was right. I always have this special connection with people who loves to talk. That am happy about.

And then grandma gets confined again. Back to the hospital and my thoughts on hospital related stories. Mom told me to go and look after her. So I decided to bring my volks and weather it tonight. At the hospital. After buying dinner and right before eating eat, mom says ” let your aunt eat that cause you’re going to Manila tonight”. Say what now?! So here I am, preparing for a trip that I don’t even know what’s gonna happen.

But, in between these events, a heavy heart lurks inside. Mad and overwhelmed, I don’t really have any idea what to do or how to deal with difficult people. Yes, I know I have to understand where they’re coming from and all, but this is too much. Why bother talking to me when you know deep inside you, you’re doubting me and that you just want to bombard my life like am easy as pie?! Strange as it is, I feel empty. I feel like am still in chains and you’re holding me by the neck. This is why am undecided as to what to do with Facebook. Deactivate or not? If I do, how about the people who sincerely wants to talk to me? But yes, deactivate for the whole month, April. Just because it’s my birth month! haha!

So if we were having coffee, I might be crying while laughing right now. Because I am sad as well as excited. And you might think am crazy and yes you may even call me “The Drama Queen”. 😀

Dark Phase

7WA1218721.jpg

So how are you lately? I hope that you’re fine in any ways I can imagine. Because I might not be able to be there for you right now. Because as of the moment, I am a mess.Right now, I make it all about me. Because nothing is going right. It is not supposed to be about me, but I make it a point that every occurrence in my life lately is all about me. It’s me being selfish, being close minded to feedback, being arrogant, rude, and complicated. Yes, it is not about me but I want it to be about me.

My first hypothesis is that I am in a phase. This whole crappy thing going on is a phase I am facing. Just like the dark phase of the moon. This will come to pass, I hope it’s all finished by the end of the year. To my deduction, I am depressed due to lack of things to do and words that get to me so easily. I used to do 4 or 6 things at the same time, all with income, everything with something in return. But lately, it has gone down to 2. Only two that generates income and look what’s it doing to my head. I am going overly crazy about nothing to do.

In between these hypotheses are circumstances I did not expect. Like, traveling with artists, expecting and demanding too much, being down due to other people’s feelings.

My second hypothesis is that I have forgotten myself. I have succumbed to the unknown. I let things go and I went with the flow too much that I have forgotten how to be that cheery me. The cause would and might be because I have been hearing too many negative things lately. I kept facing negativity with a brave face, letting my guard down and letting sadness consume me.

I also came up with a solution or two of course. My first solution is that I will go back to isolation, leave everything behind, and sleep in the slumbers of my own self. What are the things that I will leave in this solution? Arts, Scale Modeling, and friends and companions that I recently gained. But would this also mean that I am running away from change? From the adventure that I sought? I guess so. I am uncertain if this is the right solution.

My second solution is that I’d revisit the past, redo the things I did just before this phase that I call, then assess what and where it all went wrong. After assessing, I’d repair the damages and go on with the life and people I have now. But I don’t know if this is just the right thing to do you know?

I actually tried to go back to Zumba. And I just realized I gained my confidence from it. How did I come to this statement? Well, before, I shout and lead with the instructors. When I danced with them lately, I was like whispering or not going with the flow of music anymore. My confidence was gone. Erased. So I guess I’ll just to continue Zumba and see where it leads me.

Mom told me to leave the artists. And I was determined and I have decided. But then they invite me to this exhibit. I told myself I wasn’t going. But at the end of the day, I still went. I don’t know why. My mom scolded me for that. She said that I don’t pity myself. She said that, why would I still go to them after all that happened? The truth is, it’s hard for me to just drop everything about them. I could not explain the pain I felt with what happened but I just couldn’t bring myself to ignore them. I think that I have a soft heart for arts and artists and I think I like it that way at the same I don’t like it.

So here I am again, rambling, confused, uncertain of what path to follow, what solutions to implement.