#WeekendCoffeeShare: Get Dizzy On This One

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I am recently overwhelmed, that tears are starting to form right about now if I don’t stop talking about it. Okay.
I’m heading to Manila tonight. To accompany my sister and meet with dad. But before that…recap.

So I was a day late with reality. I thought it’s still Friday. But yesterday, I rejected someone’s invitation because I already accepted and scheduled my day for someone else. Although I can make two appointments a day, I did not because it was my first time hanging out with someone who I think is neutral and is in an organization that caught my attention. My adventurous side was poked once again.

I tagged along without knowing if that person really wanted me to come with him. We talked about almost everything and I think that my facial expressions are too showy, again, like, my words does not sync with my facial expressions. Why am I so expressive with my mouth and eyes?! Urgh! Anyways, I got conscious cause yeah that person caught me by the face, I guess.

We ate fishcakes! Cause that person does not now what they are, and also Ramen! Bahaha! So we ate what I have been craving for weeks now. Though I have eaten these consistently, it’s always a different experience. hahaha! We were rushing to go home but not really and then we talked more. I mean, that person talked about his experiences a lot. I loved it. I loved it when all I have to do is listen. I guess my weakness comes from being asked about my feelings as of the moment so it was good that that did not come out in any way. I was just so happy and excited!

I suddenly remembered kuya Tor, an artist who told me one time: ” Wow, you really meet people who loves to talk and tell stories huh”, and when I think about it, he was right. I always have this special connection with people who loves to talk. That am happy about.

And then grandma gets confined again. Back to the hospital and my thoughts on hospital related stories. Mom told me to go and look after her. So I decided to bring my volks and weather it tonight. At the hospital. After buying dinner and right before eating eat, mom says ” let your aunt eat that cause you’re going to Manila tonight”. Say what now?! So here I am, preparing for a trip that I don’t even know what’s gonna happen.

But, in between these events, a heavy heart lurks inside. Mad and overwhelmed, I don’t really have any idea what to do or how to deal with difficult people. Yes, I know I have to understand where they’re coming from and all, but this is too much. Why bother talking to me when you know deep inside you, you’re doubting me and that you just want to bombard my life like am easy as pie?! Strange as it is, I feel empty. I feel like am still in chains and you’re holding me by the neck. This is why am undecided as to what to do with Facebook. Deactivate or not? If I do, how about the people who sincerely wants to talk to me? But yes, deactivate for the whole month, April. Just because it’s my birth month! haha!

So if we were having coffee, I might be crying while laughing right now. Because I am sad as well as excited. And you might think am crazy and yes you may even call me “The Drama Queen”. 😀

Pizza, KitKat, & Childhood

12″ Designer Pizza from Pizza by Hygge Cafe. (I chose the ingredients)

What a day! As I have said, in my mind, before: what happens on a Monday happens for the rest of the week. It may not be the same events but it gives off the same emotions. 
So on a Tuesday I was scared and doubtful of someone’s actions. I helped someone choose a suit. I ran from SM to Maharlika for the sake of Haro. I ate pizza with friends. I got 2 Kit-Kat bars. I stayed for childhood memories of people I now care alot about. 

I go along and I get green jokes, yes that would be normal as I have experienced acquaintances who jokes that way. But when someone does it and says things in a way that it doesn’t sound like a joke, then it isn’t funny anymore. No matter how I respect you and no matter how close we are, I can’t take your words as a joke. And, no matter how I care about my “being always there” for whatever you say, I cannot go because I feel scared. Haha. So, am sorry.

I find men’s fashion fun and a good diversion from brain stressed to eye stress. And it happens on the right time that when am brain stressed, meaning when am bothered by useless drama, I get kidnapped or I become occupied by choosing what should men wear on different occassions. Harhar.

my second haro, for frrreeeeeee~!!!

And then here comes a friend who wants to bully me by telling me he’s on his way home but if I like to get the Haro, then I have 30 minutes or less to go to Maharlika for it. If not, I’d have to pay the Haro. Wow. Just wow. What’d you expect? Of course I rode a cab. Traffic jam, I got down halfway and ran. Who cares if my body hurts like hell? I just did. I arrived almost a minute late. He laughed, as expected. Hahaha.
I went to White Base to deliver some droppers and eat pizza. Sadly, the person who should have a slice wasn’t around and there were a lot of people. So, hello to “give way, high way” mode. Haha. 

Kit-kat for fffrrrreeeeee~~!!!

Kit-Kat!!! I am not a chocolate person. But on special occassions, I tend to munch on them like a happy kid jumping over candies. When things go wrong or when I badly need a hug. Lucky me, the timing is always right. I even got two Kit-Kat bars!!! Bahaha.
Childhood memories. Of people way older than me. Three men talked about games they played as a kid. Like spiders in an apartment match box then goes to the ring for a fight; text games; running and climbing and jumping; stealing teachers’ chalks; playing stones; chinese garters; jolens; and a lot more. I sat there, as ignorant as I am, thinking “what have I been doing as a kid?” Okay, okay. As they describe some of the games, I might have seen some school mates playing them, I just don’t know what it was called. And the reason I know nothing about such games? I was raised in a “box”, metaphorically speaking. 

If I only had the guts to cry about it, I would have asked my mom why I was so distant to the world, why have I lived in a box, like she always said lately. But I don’t have the guts to cry or complain about it. All I can think about now is that I’d want to try some of those games. My gosh. At my age? Wanting to play? Not in a million years, but yes, just in my mind. Maybe that’s okay. Haha.

I went home. With a lot of questions in my head. But I felt so ecstatic. Again, mixed up emotions. Happy but meh. Excited and curious. Partly sad about pizza and childhood but learned a lot. For me, the day was memorable. Yeah I know, sorry for the drama. I just have this thing for making things dramatic. Aaaand, I am awake at 2am of Wednesday, typing about Tuesday, excited about what Wednesday is all about.

The Day I Talked to People The Most

So I called this day “The Day I Talked to People The Most”. Because I had a meeting with SM. Because I had an opportunity for me and my artist friends. Because I talked to an artist who knows about business too. Because I went home and came back to town to meet with an artist who thinks clearly and speaks calmly about things and situations. Because finally, things are clearing up for me. Because I went to a hobby shop to find solace and I found it and got even more. Because while knowing that other people are facing some kind of chaos, I was everywhere thinking of how to improve one’s life by just being there for them. I could say that I am tired and exhausted, but I feel so happy that ideas and things pop up into my head so fast that I need and I really really have to talk to someone who needs some piece of talk. Any kind of talk for that matter.
Because while knowing that other people are facing some kind of chaos, I was everywhere thinking of how to improve one’s life by just being there for them. I could say that I am tired and exhausted, but I feel so happy that ideas and things pop up into my head so fast that I need and I really really have to talk to someone who needs some piece of talk. Any kind of talk for that matter. Because this brain needs something to work on. The more problems, the better. The harder the conversation is, the better. I love debating about things and ideas. I love pointing out how correct you are or how right I am.

I talked to 12 people today. For an anti-social (joke) like me, that’s too much. I normally talk to 3 people at most for a day. Two is okay, three would make me lazy at home, 4 would make me keep my phone in silent mode so I won’t be tempted to check notifications. 5 would exhaust me and 7 would drain me totally. So what will 12 individuals do to me then? Hyper Mode, maybe. Ha ha ha!

Confessions of a Misfit

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There was once a priest who told her that wherever she goes and whatever she joins, she will never belong.She will always be different. Her ideas and ideals will always be different from the people around her. That is maybe one of the reasons why she can only keep a few friends and not that many. That is maybe one of the reasons why she’d rather keep things to herself and not share a word with anyone. Although she opens too easily and trusts too easily, she does not want to bother people with her useless emotions. But she also does not care if the people she trusts stabs her back. She is a misfit, after all. She brags about helping people in any way she can. She brags about being cool with whatever people do to her. Although inside her she’s happy yet a little disappointed. She knows that nothing is temporary and that everybody disappears, the only difference is the speed levels.

Being a misfit fits her well, she says. She ain’t that comfortable with people and how most individuals think. She brings about a dozen ideas for one person who has goals. It depends on the person if he or she will take her advice or if he or she will just take advantage of her. Either way, she does not care as she does not belong. Someone says she’s too willing and committed to too many groups of people. She was forced to choose only one, and yes she chose. But inside her, she wants to explode. “Why am I forced to choose when there is no need for it? Why do I need to choose even though I know I won’t belong to anything or anyone? Why do I have to utter words that I know I will regret? Why do I have to face them with a cheerful smile when I’m screaming and crying so loud inside?

“Why am I forced to choose when there is no need for it? Why do I need to choose even though I know I won’t belong to anything or anyone? Why do I have to utter words that I know I will regret? Why do I have to face them with a cheerful smile when I’m screaming and crying so loud inside? Is this how it feels to deal with a lot of different people? Is this how painful it is to be with those who struggle and plays a tug-of-war in reality?”

Hurt

Someone asked me lately, “Why do you keep on stabbing yourself with people and situations? Is it for enjoyment? Pleasure?”

Whoa. Honestly speaking I don’t know. Just before that question, I told someone “I am right here, ready for you to hurt. Whenever, wherever.”

“Why do you keep on letting people hurt you?” one would ask. And I would smile and whisper in my mind, “so they won’t hurt anybody else.” Is that reasonable enough for you? Would that justify my actions and satisfy your curiosity?

I admit, I am weak at heart. I easily break from sad little things. But I guess I exist to get hurt, to love more than how people loves me, to give more than what people gives anybody else, to serve more than necessary, to do everything more than what others do for people and so much more.

And yes, I rant, I whine, I complain at times. I get too sad and push certain people away from me by saying painful words. I even cry when I am alone. But nobody really knows why. Nobody knows the burden that I carry every time somebody gets hurt. It would be lesser a burden for me if I am the one who’s hurt rather than knowing that someone is in pain.

 

Stuck in The Middle

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I met a respectable man and the backbone of the org. But before that, I met two funny guys. They taught me the ways to the group, they taught me how to do things. They made me feel like I am now one of them, a certified bro. We got close. I am now advising on love and relationships, sharing drinking thoughts, and inspiring each other with the things that we do every day. They even supported me with the things that I do outside of the group, which is awesome and I am thankful.

Until I met The Backbone. He warned me to stay away from the two guys I met. I was surprised. Then he told me about the scenario from the last day we all gathered…

I was with the two guys on one table and we were like, just there, sitting and laughing about their relationships. The respectable man noticed it. 

Backbone: Keep her away from them before it is too late…

I was shocked! The respectable man is looking out for me and I am so happy! Then The Backbone told me the reason behind this warning, behind-the-curtain kind of thing. Don’t get too close he says. Don’t get acquainted they say. But how will I suddenly go away and not explain why? But how will I do that? Stuck in the middle, I got a bit dizzy. I do not have any idea what to do. I do not have any idea how to act around these people anymore. I do not know how to talk to them, how to tell them that I am stuck.

I talked to another guy who I think I could trust with this kind of conversations. I told him everything. And he said I should not let their words affect me that much. He said I should not get too close, I can hang out with everybody and stay in the middle. So that is exactly what am gonna do.

At 24

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“What will happen to you if you do not celebrate?” she asked. “Nothing?” I answered while thinking about it. “So it’s okay not to, ” she smiled. Oh. Wow. I’ve got nothing to lose anyway, I thought.

People come and go as we age and grow up and old and about. As of now I have lost quite a few people, them spilling on my fingers I cannot hold them tight and close to me. But I am thankful for the big heart God has given me that I am capable of loving and taking care of a lot more people than I imagined.

Turning on a new page, a new chapter of my life, I want to change the introverted me. I want to move forward with strength and bravery. I want to walk with confidence and pride on my shoulders. I want to be me, the different me that no one knows yet. I want to love more and care more and be more for all the people I hold dear.

A lot has changed this past year and a lot has happened. I’ve met some new friends and acquaintances, some new enemies and haters. But nevertheless I met the different “me” along the way. And with that said, I want to know more about that “me” before anything else.

Oh my I am getting old. That is no joke. And look at me, still childish at heart and with a granny’s words of wisdom. I know a few things, a bit of everything and quite a lot about being human and not human. Okay, okay. Enough with the rants. Let’s move to letter sharing.

Ahem.

Dear You/Strangers,

Thank you for loving my blog even if it is still new. Thank you for liking my uncontrollable ramblings. Thank you for being there, whoever you are, wherever you are, and whatever you are doing. Strange as it may seem but I love you. Yes you. Aren’t you used to people telling you that? Better get used to it with me. That is all I can say to you right now.

Love, Jen.

My day was great. Had breakfast with my friends from the Zumba Community; Then lunch with mom and our quiet yet kind mentor; and Family Dinner at grandma’s. Why so plain and not so detailed? Because I cannot explain how happy this year’s birthday has been. Although, I miss my gang Christine and Walter. I miss them so much I wish they were here.

Okay. Ahem.

Birthday Wishes?

I wish for a certain man to have peace of mind, that he would be able to find joy in his life with the path he chose to take. That he would not regret anything and that he would be content.
I wish that I meet more people that I could care about be it near or far away from me. Because I want to. And because I love “love”.

I love “Love” itself that being as such, I am inclined to situations I sometimes cannot handle. But that’s okay.

Friendship

friendship

What is “Friendship”? This is a very broad topic for me due to the unlimited things I could think of when we’re talking about Friendship. Now am not talking about plain “hi-and-hellos” and “what’s-your-name-and-number” thing. This is different. This is something deeper, more precious than your shining jewelry you wear all over your body.

Friendship is something you cannot buy (well,we all know that) but to some it does not seem so. It is not something you could just blunder around. It is not just a connection, a consistent communication. It is not just knowing about someone’s contact details and whereabouts. It is not a game nor a gamble. It never was a mere physical connection.

Then what is it???

As I have said, I cannot explain it in details as I am not qualified to discuss it publicly so. What I am about to tell you about Friendship will either think of me as a lunatic or just…I don’t know. (Just leave this page and go.)

Meeting new people. Knowing every single thing about them. Like where do you live? How do you do things? What are your desires? What do you fear? What are you capable of? What do you think of me? What are your dreams? What is your daily routine? Hobbies? What do you eat? What do you read? And all those questions answerable by paragraphs while having a cup of coffee in a cozy homey coffee shop even if you are not certain that the one you are talking to loves coffee like you do.

Now that’s the surface of it. You start off with those. Between the questions, the line of thoughts, you share yours. Whether you are alike or the complete opposite. Whether you have the same fears and desires or not. The sharing itself is the beginning of everything. The main point is that, you have something to share. You connect with the person in a different level. But it does not end there. It does not mean that you’re already friends. Because you have to know the people around that person. The people whom he or she shares him or her secrets,his or her life, his or her everything. You have to know what makes him or her exist. You have to go up or down to his or her level of thinking, you have to feel what he or she feels. Because only at that moment will you have the chance to ask him or her if he or she would want you as a friend.

Oh yes! You don’t gain friends just by smiling and knowing where they live and how they spend their times. You simply ask in the right time, right moment, at the right place.

I don’t know about you but for me, Friendship is a big deal.