#WeekendCoffeeShare: Get Dizzy On This One

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I am recently overwhelmed, that tears are starting to form right about now if I don’t stop talking about it. Okay.
I’m heading to Manila tonight. To accompany my sister and meet with dad. But before that…recap.

So I was a day late with reality. I thought it’s still Friday. But yesterday, I rejected someone’s invitation because I already accepted and scheduled my day for someone else. Although I can make two appointments a day, I did not because it was my first time hanging out with someone who I think is neutral and is in an organization that caught my attention. My adventurous side was poked once again.

I tagged along without knowing if that person really wanted me to come with him. We talked about almost everything and I think that my facial expressions are too showy, again, like, my words does not sync with my facial expressions. Why am I so expressive with my mouth and eyes?! Urgh! Anyways, I got conscious cause yeah that person caught me by the face, I guess.

We ate fishcakes! Cause that person does not now what they are, and also Ramen! Bahaha! So we ate what I have been craving for weeks now. Though I have eaten these consistently, it’s always a different experience. hahaha! We were rushing to go home but not really and then we talked more. I mean, that person talked about his experiences a lot. I loved it. I loved it when all I have to do is listen. I guess my weakness comes from being asked about my feelings as of the moment so it was good that that did not come out in any way. I was just so happy and excited!

I suddenly remembered kuya Tor, an artist who told me one time: ” Wow, you really meet people who loves to talk and tell stories huh”, and when I think about it, he was right. I always have this special connection with people who loves to talk. That am happy about.

And then grandma gets confined again. Back to the hospital and my thoughts on hospital related stories. Mom told me to go and look after her. So I decided to bring my volks and weather it tonight. At the hospital. After buying dinner and right before eating eat, mom says ” let your aunt eat that cause you’re going to Manila tonight”. Say what now?! So here I am, preparing for a trip that I don’t even know what’s gonna happen.

But, in between these events, a heavy heart lurks inside. Mad and overwhelmed, I don’t really have any idea what to do or how to deal with difficult people. Yes, I know I have to understand where they’re coming from and all, but this is too much. Why bother talking to me when you know deep inside you, you’re doubting me and that you just want to bombard my life like am easy as pie?! Strange as it is, I feel empty. I feel like am still in chains and you’re holding me by the neck. This is why am undecided as to what to do with Facebook. Deactivate or not? If I do, how about the people who sincerely wants to talk to me? But yes, deactivate for the whole month, April. Just because it’s my birth month! haha!

So if we were having coffee, I might be crying while laughing right now. Because I am sad as well as excited. And you might think am crazy and yes you may even call me “The Drama Queen”. 😀

Hot Showers, Papers, Romance

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Oh how I love hot showers! The water running down my face, my body, my very being. There’s something in it that makes me want to stay in it a little longer. Once it touches my face, I go some place else, somewhere quiet, where all I can hear are droplets from steam, from the heat of the water that runs down on me. Mixed emotions, heavy feelings. What do I get for being me in these little moments of hot showers? 15 minutes of closed doors to reality, 15 minutes of silence, 15 minutes of me.

Ink on paper, pencil marks on paper, charcoal on paper. I try to draw. I cannot finish anything. I try to draw, my hands shake. I palpitate. This coffee addiction is getting to me. But who cares? As long as I have paper on my lap and pens and pencils to waste. The world is a better place with me and my papers on stock.

Romance. “You are a pure romantic,” they say. “You’re a hopeless romantic,” they say. Oh well, I who loves “Love” itself could be labeled as such. And with romance comes the bitter fights, the raging hearts, the flaming waves of verbal pain. Yes, I. Who avoids arguments. Who hates violence of any kind. Who cries with every hurtful word. I cannot handle romance itself as it drifts away from the picture of fantasy and that reality takes place. Yes I romance. Yes I do everything for the sake of experiencing things. But I guess I have become rusty on it that it does not work anymore. I have lost my appetite for understanding and that I am now a doll inside out.

Now tell me what to do, tell me what to say. I can only obey you now. Cause I have lost interest in exploring things. And if you don’t, I might lead myself nowhere but destruction. “You have firm decisions,” they say. Oh yes, that is why I have been so uncertain lately, afraid to decide because once I have decided, I cannot go back to it. I don’t really depend on anyone. I don’t really listen to anyone. Because I am stubborn as a bull. Because I want to annoy people, let myself get hurt, and see who’ll stay after the storm. That is me, always testing. Always trusting.