#WeekendCoffeeShare: Get Dizzy On This One

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I am recently overwhelmed, that tears are starting to form right about now if I don’t stop talking about it. Okay.
I’m heading to Manila tonight. To accompany my sister and meet with dad. But before that…recap.

So I was a day late with reality. I thought it’s still Friday. But yesterday, I rejected someone’s invitation because I already accepted and scheduled my day for someone else. Although I can make two appointments a day, I did not because it was my first time hanging out with someone who I think is neutral and is in an organization that caught my attention. My adventurous side was poked once again.

I tagged along without knowing if that person really wanted me to come with him. We talked about almost everything and I think that my facial expressions are too showy, again, like, my words does not sync with my facial expressions. Why am I so expressive with my mouth and eyes?! Urgh! Anyways, I got conscious cause yeah that person caught me by the face, I guess.

We ate fishcakes! Cause that person does not now what they are, and also Ramen! Bahaha! So we ate what I have been craving for weeks now. Though I have eaten these consistently, it’s always a different experience. hahaha! We were rushing to go home but not really and then we talked more. I mean, that person talked about his experiences a lot. I loved it. I loved it when all I have to do is listen. I guess my weakness comes from being asked about my feelings as of the moment so it was good that that did not come out in any way. I was just so happy and excited!

I suddenly remembered kuya Tor, an artist who told me one time: ” Wow, you really meet people who loves to talk and tell stories huh”, and when I think about it, he was right. I always have this special connection with people who loves to talk. That am happy about.

And then grandma gets confined again. Back to the hospital and my thoughts on hospital related stories. Mom told me to go and look after her. So I decided to bring my volks and weather it tonight. At the hospital. After buying dinner and right before eating eat, mom says ” let your aunt eat that cause you’re going to Manila tonight”. Say what now?! So here I am, preparing for a trip that I don’t even know what’s gonna happen.

But, in between these events, a heavy heart lurks inside. Mad and overwhelmed, I don’t really have any idea what to do or how to deal with difficult people. Yes, I know I have to understand where they’re coming from and all, but this is too much. Why bother talking to me when you know deep inside you, you’re doubting me and that you just want to bombard my life like am easy as pie?! Strange as it is, I feel empty. I feel like am still in chains and you’re holding me by the neck. This is why am undecided as to what to do with Facebook. Deactivate or not? If I do, how about the people who sincerely wants to talk to me? But yes, deactivate for the whole month, April. Just because it’s my birth month! haha!

So if we were having coffee, I might be crying while laughing right now. Because I am sad as well as excited. And you might think am crazy and yes you may even call me “The Drama Queen”. 😀

#WeekendCoffeeShare

If we were having coffee, am sure as hell that I’d be silent outside and screaming inside. My mind is in chaos with these mixed up emotions building. One heavy circumstance after another and am not even given a time to let things sink in. Wow.
But I’ll ask you how you are, how your day went, and I want every detail of it. It does not matter whether it is boring or not as long as I know what have you been up to. Cause that is how curious I am to your whereabouts. Because I love listening to you and your voice. Because I know that sometimes, even if you don’t say it, you want someone to listen to you. Because there are also times that I want a diversion, a way to suppress my own thoughts by knowing someone’s day.

So if I say your name or call out to you or just send a smiley, that means I want you to talk to me, to tell me anything. Just because. I wish you’d know how much I care for one person as much as I care for all the people I meet along the way.

If we were having coffee right now, can you imagine? We’re at some sidewalk café, sipping some not-so-hard coffee drink and laughing out loud like there’s no tomorrow. Our crazy adventures collide, our thoughts go in parallel paths as we think alike. We even have thoughts on drinking beer or something hard but we don’t cause we just…don’t. It’s like a mutual understanding that we save those beer or liquor moments for that special day, where we are celebrating something big. And we don’t have to say anything about it cause we already know it by heart.

So…how are you? How’s life lately? How have you been treating your days when we weren’t together? I am sure that you are having your own best-day-of-your-life moments from time to time. And I also know that you’re dying to share them, so call me and I’ll be there to listen. I am excited!

Ending Chapters

 

25aki85
2016: Closing Cycles

 

Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. ~ Paulo Coelho

There are certain chapters that you have to end in your life. Without ending them, you are stuck. You stay in one place, where you’ve always been because you haven’t given any space for something new.

And I think that I have a lot on my plate to end. I just couldn’t put myself to take action on them. Why? Because I have too many fears. Because I have a soft heart and I cannot really take it when people react to sudden changes. But let me count some chapters I ought to end…

Artists-from-you-know-where Chapter. Sad to say I have to bid them farewell. Not because I hate them but because I do not agree with their system and some behaviors. I know I might be acting selfish and they will be a big hit in the near future, but I have to stand firm and strong on my word.

Dark Phase Chapter. So lately I have been the gloomy, moody, emotional gal and that I have shown too much of the frowning me and the lonely me. I want to end it now. I gotta bring back that crazy, cheerful, and energetic kid who sees all the good in people and situations.

Rock Solid Heart Chapter. I have been acting indifferent for the past 2 years. I have been heartless, as others say, and ignorant to other people’s feelings. Oh well, that is, I guess, part of where I stopped focusing on close relationships with people. This year, I’d like to be more socially inclined. Like, I’d like to create traditions with my inner circle and my second inner circle. I have 3 true friends the last time I checked, so I am adding maybe…2 new true friends. Well, hopefully, that is.

Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose.
Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood.~Paulo Coelho

Living through Paulo Coelho’s words, that is exactly what I will be doing. How about you? Have you closed some cycles in your life? What are the chapters in your life that you ended or plan to end?

Question of the Day

When you learn about what others are going through, you become too affected that you want to help in any ways you can…

“Why are you so eager to help?” he asked. ” I’m not asking for it,” he said. My world stopped then. “Cause it’s me. Cause I am J.” I said back. But in my head, I wondered then. ‘ Why tell me your problem in the first place? If you do not need help?’ I thought. My world is slowly crushing. He looks at me with disgust for trying to help him.

Is this how humans are? Is this how they think, naturally? What do the people I helped before think of me then? What have been their thoughts when I did help them?

Do you think I overdo things? Is this overreacting of me?

It’s a Misunderstanding!

a little misunderstanding

photo by: siuhti

Hey, it’s a misunderstanding! Man, I ain’t what you think I am. Is it so bad to be sweet and all to everybody? Oh, no no no no no no. You’re not thinking what am thinking…are you? Wait, are you?!

I might appear confusing right now. The things I say and do. The way I ought to act. But I shall explain myself briefly today because you made laugh out so loud I cannot contain my madness.

I am adventurous. I am a free spirit. I do what I want. I am weird. I am not normal. Because normal is boring. I say “I like you” all the time. I say “I love you” all the time. I say “I miss you” to all the people I know and haven’t seen for a day or two. Because I care too much. Because I get too attached. And maybe that’s my problem. I should not be this caring. I should be too attached to people. The other day I was too happy, too joyful, too cheery, and something came back to me: a part of my past, a “me” that the people I know today do not know about. Who is that person? Who is that “me”? That part of me that came back? Let me tell you about her.

She’s jumpy. She’s frankly straightforward. She does care too much about how a person feels that she’s afraid to hurt. But once in a while, when craziness strikes, she hits. She slaps people just because, she tells how bad the person is in front of that person. She annoys people just because. She is uncontrollable. She is a romantic, a naturally sweet person according to the people she spent her time with. She is a friend of everybody. She talks to almost anyone. She is very open and tells anyone how she really feels. Because that’s just how she is. She drives people crazy, to the max. She listens to sad songs but she’s cheerful and smiles at sadness. She plays people. That is not so good. But yeah, she does that. She makes people like her and disappoint them at the end by telling them to back off. She confuses people and she loves it that she feels accomplished. She breaks the rules, most of the time. She makes a lot of mistakes, a lot of miscalculations. She attacks right on and makes decisions rapidly, without second thoughts. She hates canceled plans and she tends to sulk when things don’t go her way. But she’s cheerful all the way through. When in pain or not, when sad in truth or not, she has a cheerful face that you would not second guess her happiness. 

And that person, ladies, and gents, is just one part of the person I am today.

So please, please. I hope that you would not think that I like to be with you the way you think I want to. I’m just around for friendship and deeper conversations because I’m longing for my best friend who is M.I.A. at the moment. I do not want to lose a talented person like you. I’m just here as a friend and nothing else. 😀