10 Things I Want

JenRcab

What I really want…

  1. is to ride on the bus and ride for hours, not knowing where to go, not knowing when or how or where the trip will end. I won’t go out for bus stops, I am afraid to get left behind. I will just sit by the window and listen to the unlimited songs from Spotify. Maybe an 8-hour ride would do, to have me for myself, to think clearly and come back with a manuscript on hand.
  2. is to talk to someone for hours, anyone would do. I just want that daily dose of someone’s life shared with a nobody like me. I want to be there for everyone, one day at a time. I want to just keep quiet and listen endlessly to anyone’s ramblings, rants, or banters. It keeps my mind busy thinking about the person I am talking to, and that is what I can call: Friendship Overload.
  3. is to travel outside my country. Though I may be afraid to be alone, I dare myself to book that flight and go on my own. I have always dreamt of how it would feel to be out where no one knows you, no one you know would judge you for how you look, how you dress, how you act, how you speak.
  4. is to buy a land out of my own pockets and put up a house with three floors. Where artists of all kinds flock, where friends and different people come in and out to communicate. Where you can stay for a day or two and just hang out in front of a chimney. I may live in a rented house or apartment, I still want that land of mine for other people, not for myself. 😀 Crazy?
  5. is to try all the hobbies out there. From drawing to painting, from hiking to biking, from photography to videography, from sculpture to scale modeling, from volleyball to swimming, from reading to writing. Although, I am doing most of these things but there are skills I lack that I want to improve and be proud of. haha.
  6. is to paint the walls, the streets, to gather all the artists around and literally paint the town. I feel so excited and scared at the same time with this.
  7. is to have that writing company of myself, but I want no one to know that that is mine and mine alone. Why? I am not really good with compliments and all, like, I tend to make mistakes when people see my works or see me working. That is also why I love pen names and secret identities.
  8. is to have my own designs of clothing at The Project Runway. Impossible, yes I know I know. Silly me. Just said that out of the blue. haha. Some people wanted me to pursue the path of “The Designer” or “The Dressmaker” but I don’t really have the courage to do that. But I want it. Badly. But, no. Yeah, sorry if I am blabbering this contradiction.
  9. is to send my kids to the best school in town, this year. I want to see them excel in school and out, to listen to their cries and complains of how hard school is, but of course, I’d always be there for them and guide them as they go along. I want them to go chasing chickens and getting into muddy puddles and go home dirty because of a long day’s learn and play.
  10. is a tattoo. Don’t ask me why. I just want it! haha 😀

P.S. I wrote my 25 Wishes here. So much for Birth Month. Harhar.

Things I Want To Do

85D4IPPQ98.jpg

  1. Cosplay. Enma Ai, Arturia Pendragon, Yui Hirasawa, and Freyja Wion Windermere. I’d love to try them all.
  2. Swim in a swimming pool. For the whole week, day and night. If not a week, three days would do. Even f it is just for a day, as long it is for the whole day.
  3. Paint more walls. Paid or not, I just want to continuously paint walls.
  4. Wall Climbing. The one thing I want to try every time I see people in a sports suit.
  5. Master some recipes from around the world. It does not have to be everything, it just has to be some special recipes.
  6. Teach French Parenting at the same time doing it to my kids. Cause their way of raising their children are way better than any other countries. Once perfected and shared their ways, I believe that I have raised good men for the future.
  7. travel writing with income. That is my current dream job.
  8. Build a house studio in Paris. I have always wanted a house studio in my local area (Baguio City), but if it seems impossible, I’d love to build it in Paris. It may not be unique as many house studios reside there, but at least I can call it “mine”.
  9. Archery. I tried and failed and now I want to conquer it by mastering its art. “The Art of Archery” and how Robin Hood stole from the rich. Aww, I love that!
  10. Publish a book in 30 languages. I want to publish a book of y own, of course, after the IPMS Local Magazine. And then I want it to be translated into 30 languages and sold all over the world. (Yeah, big dream. Paulo Coelho level dream)
  11. Travel. Thailand, Hawaii, Japan. This year, hoping to go out of the country.
  12. Collect Saber figurines. Because I really love Fate Stay Night.

 

Hot Showers, Papers, Romance

stocksnap_04ldeyrw59

Oh how I love hot showers! The water running down my face, my body, my very being. There’s something in it that makes me want to stay in it a little longer. Once it touches my face, I go some place else, somewhere quiet, where all I can hear are droplets from steam, from the heat of the water that runs down on me. Mixed emotions, heavy feelings. What do I get for being me in these little moments of hot showers? 15 minutes of closed doors to reality, 15 minutes of silence, 15 minutes of me.

Ink on paper, pencil marks on paper, charcoal on paper. I try to draw. I cannot finish anything. I try to draw, my hands shake. I palpitate. This coffee addiction is getting to me. But who cares? As long as I have paper on my lap and pens and pencils to waste. The world is a better place with me and my papers on stock.

Romance. “You are a pure romantic,” they say. “You’re a hopeless romantic,” they say. Oh well, I who loves “Love” itself could be labeled as such. And with romance comes the bitter fights, the raging hearts, the flaming waves of verbal pain. Yes, I. Who avoids arguments. Who hates violence of any kind. Who cries with every hurtful word. I cannot handle romance itself as it drifts away from the picture of fantasy and that reality takes place. Yes I romance. Yes I do everything for the sake of experiencing things. But I guess I have become rusty on it that it does not work anymore. I have lost my appetite for understanding and that I am now a doll inside out.

Now tell me what to do, tell me what to say. I can only obey you now. Cause I have lost interest in exploring things. And if you don’t, I might lead myself nowhere but destruction. “You have firm decisions,” they say. Oh yes, that is why I have been so uncertain lately, afraid to decide because once I have decided, I cannot go back to it. I don’t really depend on anyone. I don’t really listen to anyone. Because I am stubborn as a bull. Because I want to annoy people, let myself get hurt, and see who’ll stay after the storm. That is me, always testing. Always trusting.

Having an Editor

My heart stopped when someone told me to get an editor, for the second time. Yes, my cousin did tell me that, but when it comes from somebody else, I freeze. I know that I need one, that I have to have an editor. But hey hey hey.

Having an editor is like having that partner in life who understands you from the depths of your mind and soul. It’s like having someone read you between the lines, knowing and understanding you in totality that no one else can. It’s like having someone beside you, typing or writing your every thought even when that person isn’t beside you.

Having an editor means entrusting your brain, your mind, your soul, your heart to someone who will edit and make your outputs better. It means giving your drafts to that person, trusting him or her that he will be able to understand how you think and feel and probably make something out of it that would look more refined than ever.

Yes, I’d love to have one. The only problem is me. I am afraid that someone who knows me would read what I wrote. I am afraid that someone from this area would read me. I am afraid of being recognized, being known. Yes, I’d love an editor. Who does not want one? My writing needs polishing and improvement, a development into the next level. But having an editor for a person like me? Do you really think someone is prepared enough to face the real me?

Blank

F7OLW2SG0C

A blank page.A blank mind. A blank brain. We all go through this some times. And more often than not, for most thinkers. I go through this a lot of times because my brain is working 26/7. Yes, that is reality.

But whenever you have some blank moments, you need to stop and embrace it. Do not force to work. Do not force to be the opposite of blank. Because if you do, it is when you’ll get exhausted and say you’re done with what you are doing. And that isn’t always good.

So what to do at times of blankness?

Listen to music. There’s a great deal of music you can listen to boost your creativity, to get it flowing again, or just some chilling songs to let time pass.

Stare into the distant but make sure it’s nature you are facing. Nature gives the best relaxing aura you would ever need.

Spin something. Spin a pen, toss a coin, or play basketball. When you are doing this, your mind is looking at something that has a point of direction, that atleast would not get you lost track of what direction you want to take.

Eat. But not a lot. Or better yet go out and walk down the street of Food Street. Smell everything. From grilled pork to seafood burning, to the smell of onions and garlics. The sound of something cooking. The idea of cooking, of eating, without really doing it…you’ll get full and in no time your brain isn’t that blank anymore.

Fix. Organise. The room, the house, the kitchen, anything. There ain’t no better than cleaning and fixing things around when you don’t feel like writing or drawing or doing anything else.

Whoa. That was easy. Here’s some other posts on blank

Blank Heart

utterly baffled, still

top 10 movie blanks , “Here’s Looking at You, Miss P.”

starting over, with a blank page…

intentionally blank, for the sake of it

fill in the blanks of my heart…

blankety blank, abank on a shank

 

 

 

The Boy Who Loved

image

“Be good to yourself boy…you’ve got a long way to go….”

She sings…

She remembers a boy from way back when and his name was Rain. He was a sad fellow like his name was and he was madly and deeply in love with her. But she could not return the feelings back to him. He was beautiful in her eyes but she was sorry. He begged for her hands and promised the moon to her. But all she could do was wept in front of him. She could not think properly.

“I have an idea…” she said.

He looked at her hopelessly.

“Let’s see each other again after three years. If you still love me by then, and if I might have feelings for you, then we shall continue our lives together…” she whispered.

He smiled, wiped her tears and embraced her in his arms. He brushed his cheek on her fluffy hair and whispered, “okay…see you…”

And just like that they went on their separate ways. Him with an assuring smile that everything will go his way, and her shaking and uncertain of the words she just said.

Two and a half years passed and obviously he was counting while she was living an adventure, living like a free spirit, with wings to fly and legs to break any time, but being aware that time is running out.

He was keeping tabs on her and though he knew how many men have passed her way, he knew that he was still madly in love and in his heart he hoped and prayed and wished that her heart would love him too. On the other hand, she was crazy about everything, from one place to another, giving advices and gaining friends and connections as many as she can that she almost forgot about their meeting.

The time has come for them to reunite. She wasn’t prepared. She was a broken little thing and he was not expecting something big from her. They agreed to meet in a fancy restaurant on 5th Street.

They came together and laughed, thinking about the same thing: they were both prompt. They went inside and ordered food. They sat on a table where there were nobody nearby that could hear them. They were silent while waiting for their food. They were staring at each other, him nervous but happy that finally they were there together. And her, trying to memorize his face, trying to compose herself and playing her fingers, nervous and stopping her eyes from pouring out the tears.

“So, how are things?” He asked, breaking the silence.

“A lot has happened. So much that I don’t know where to begin…” she hushed.

“Hey, it’s okay… you can tell me anything. You can begin anywhere you want to. Am here already, ready to listen.” He said smiling.

“Okaaay..” she whispered.

“I met someone..” she started. He just nodded.

“I fell in love. I fell too fast. I fell in love with all the craziness and everything. Now I’m pregnant.” The moment she said the words she regret it. Why did I have to say something like that when it’s not true? Do I hate him that much to push him away like this? she thought.

He swallowed hard. His cheeks were red and his fists were about to hit the table but he stopped himself. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. She was watching his every move.

“Why?” His voice shaking as he asked the question.

She cannot answer. She was wondering why did she even say anything like that. She was too occupied by her thoughts to notice that he already stood up and grabbed her in his arms.

“It’s okay. We can fight this. We can overcome this. We can raise the child. I will love him or her like my own. Don’t worry. I am here for you. You’ll be safe now. I won’t let anything come between us again.” He said in a low voice. He whispered. He hushed. He stroked her hair with his fingers and he hugged her tight.

What is he saying? she thought. Oh no! This is not happening! I have to think fast. I have to say something that won’t hurt him more than I did already. her thoughts flowed and she panicked. Inside.

“Rain…I’m so sorry. He said he will be keeping us, me and my child. I cannot leave him. I cannot take the risk and just walk out the door..” she swallowed, regretting every word she said.

“No. I will fight and you can just watch. You’ll have to wait until this ends. I am claiming you as mine and you don’t have to tell me anything. You don’t have to do anything. I’ll love you and your child. I’ll serve you till the end…” he said, the hint of possession present in his voice.

She was terrified. She did not expect this to happen. She did not plan on having him fight for her. She wanted him to hate her. She wanted him to get angry. But he was surprisingly calm.

“No…you don’t understand…I am still in love with him…I-I cannot leave him.” She stammered. She was hoping that he would just leave or say that he understood. But he didn’t. He removed his arms around her. He guided her to sit down. Is he finally okay? she thought. His gaze was too far to reach. He was thinking. She was waiting. They could not touch the food that was already cold. Aww, my roast chicken is now cold, thanks to you and your drama! she thought.

“Okay. I will wait…” he said.

She looked at him then. Shock was all she could show. “What…?” she asked too fast. “I will wait. Until you fall out of love. Until you are too full of him. Until you are too weary to be with him. I will wait. For you. And your child. I will welcome you into my life. Anytime. You just have to ask. Or not. You just have to see me and I will know. I will wait until you have made up your mind. I will wait and while waiting, I assure you that I won’t have anyone beside me. I won’t and I cannot love anybody else like I love you. I know that you are confused right now. I understand. You’re a woman who does not want mistakes, flaws, and you won’t risk anything for your happiness if the world isn’t right or balanced. But I do know that when things go wrong, I will be here, waiting. Don’t forget that.” He said, too proud of himself for saying it.

She was in panic, uncertain of what to say anymore. She could not eat. “I’m sorry…” was all she could say.

They ate in silence, him happy with his decisions and her, not knowing how to end the day without hurting him.

“…be good to yourself boy…you’ve got a long way to go…” she sings as she wept beside her blurry window. You didn’t have to be a martyr. You didn’t have to be so strong to protect me. her thoughts were coming back that she cannot hold her tears anymore.

A New Beginning

There are always second chances, third and fourth even. So here I am again, betting my nth chance at blogging. A new beginning to start afresh just like fireworks on a new year.

Now. April is coming and we all know it’s both mine and hub’s birth month. And right now, I have no idea what to do about giveaways and contests or just giving to the community. You might think that I’m a wannabe helper or a trying hard copycat who wants to show off by helping people. But no. It’s a mere resolution. It’s plain helping, no hidden vendettas. I gotta think fast on that. Or maybe you could save me the time and help me with ideas to help others? 🙂

Another thing is that my writing skills are slowly deteriorating and it’s ugly. One of my goals in 2016 is to improve my writing soul. And blogging while reading and writing with pen and paper are my present solution.

And then there’s drama. Life as we know it has its own way of digging into us with all its dramatical errors to shape us or just to mess with us. With this, I am on the hunt for an odd dramatic life story to share with the world. Do you have one? Feel free to send me a mail (oh I love emails!) and we’ll talk about it.