#WeekendCoffeeShare

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that these past days were a fairy tale–a dream to which I never plan to wake from but forced to. Dad visiting for my birthday is I guess the best thing ever. I mean, yeah, of course it is a “best thing ever” if it is a marriage he’s visiting, but it’s different when he’s happy and all.
If we were having coffee, I’d be crying right now as I am telling you that I do not want to wake from my dream of having dad and mom together with holding hands and who obviously–according to what I can see and hear–are madly in love with each other. My heart is racing. My mind is battling with my every word. I wanted to go there, here, everywhere. I wanted to do this, that, and everything. I want to do everything at once, and to be everywhere at the same time. Because I know that time is fleeting and I know that all of this is temporary.

If we were having coffee, you’d be laughing at me or your brows are curled up while listening to my rants and ramblings. You might even want to go away from me right now because you’d be hearing secrets and stories and it’d be too much to handle because at some point I am telling you a whole story book and suddenly I am telling you about a new book entirely. The shifting of topics and the mixture of emotions afloat, you’d go crazy over them and you’d wish to vanish right this moment–if it does not excite you in any way, that it.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that The Secret exists and that as Paulo Coelho says, “If you want something, the universe conspires to help you achieve it.” Because I wished for a simple celebration on my birthday. Because I got what I wanted which is to have dad see mom and my kids as happy as they should be to spend time with their grandfather.

If we were having coffee, we’d be on our 3rd refill already. We’d both be laughing at how absurd and crazy my life has been since I was a kid. But then I’d stop and look outside to realize that it’s already late, the clock struck midnight, and Cinderella’s got to go. So I finish our little coffee time with some more fascinating experiences to tell for our “Next Time”.

Arrival Thoughts Snippet

I want to see you. But I don’t. I want to hear your voice. But I don’t. So many things I want but I can’t and I don’t. Due to things inevitable. Due to circumstances I cannot control. So I just stand there, waiting for your arrival if you ever will. I just stare at the distance emotionless. I sigh and hate myself for expecting even if I know that I’m giving myself false hopes of your visit. Will you even have the courage to face reality? Will you even have the guts to step up with your heart and make the greatest decision of your life? Or will you just walk right past me like I exist in fairy tales and you live the American Dream with your shattered heart?
I wonder if every daughter feels this way. I wonder if I am the only Daddy’s Girl who does not demand anything from her dad. I wonder if I am the only one who thinks of all the crazy things a spoiled daughter would do for attention’s sake. I wonder if my thoughts are on the right path or have I completely lost my mind and to think that everything can still be fixed with a simple hello.

10 Things I Want

JenRcab

What I really want…

  1. is to ride on the bus and ride for hours, not knowing where to go, not knowing when or how or where the trip will end. I won’t go out for bus stops, I am afraid to get left behind. I will just sit by the window and listen to the unlimited songs from Spotify. Maybe an 8-hour ride would do, to have me for myself, to think clearly and come back with a manuscript on hand.
  2. is to talk to someone for hours, anyone would do. I just want that daily dose of someone’s life shared with a nobody like me. I want to be there for everyone, one day at a time. I want to just keep quiet and listen endlessly to anyone’s ramblings, rants, or banters. It keeps my mind busy thinking about the person I am talking to, and that is what I can call: Friendship Overload.
  3. is to travel outside my country. Though I may be afraid to be alone, I dare myself to book that flight and go on my own. I have always dreamt of how it would feel to be out where no one knows you, no one you know would judge you for how you look, how you dress, how you act, how you speak.
  4. is to buy a land out of my own pockets and put up a house with three floors. Where artists of all kinds flock, where friends and different people come in and out to communicate. Where you can stay for a day or two and just hang out in front of a chimney. I may live in a rented house or apartment, I still want that land of mine for other people, not for myself. 😀 Crazy?
  5. is to try all the hobbies out there. From drawing to painting, from hiking to biking, from photography to videography, from sculpture to scale modeling, from volleyball to swimming, from reading to writing. Although, I am doing most of these things but there are skills I lack that I want to improve and be proud of. haha.
  6. is to paint the walls, the streets, to gather all the artists around and literally paint the town. I feel so excited and scared at the same time with this.
  7. is to have that writing company of myself, but I want no one to know that that is mine and mine alone. Why? I am not really good with compliments and all, like, I tend to make mistakes when people see my works or see me working. That is also why I love pen names and secret identities.
  8. is to have my own designs of clothing at The Project Runway. Impossible, yes I know I know. Silly me. Just said that out of the blue. haha. Some people wanted me to pursue the path of “The Designer” or “The Dressmaker” but I don’t really have the courage to do that. But I want it. Badly. But, no. Yeah, sorry if I am blabbering this contradiction.
  9. is to send my kids to the best school in town, this year. I want to see them excel in school and out, to listen to their cries and complains of how hard school is, but of course, I’d always be there for them and guide them as they go along. I want them to go chasing chickens and getting into muddy puddles and go home dirty because of a long day’s learn and play.
  10. is a tattoo. Don’t ask me why. I just want it! haha 😀

P.S. I wrote my 25 Wishes here. So much for Birth Month. Harhar.

Hola, Abril!

So here I am at 2 on a Saturday morning saying Adios Marso!!! Hola, Abril!!!!
Looking back to March, I can only smile so wide. A lot of realizations. A lot of experiences! How did we ever survive together, March? 😀

As to April…I sigh at the same time laugh out loud I cannot keep how cheerful I am. I only have ten or fewer than ten days of free time. What to do with those days, I wonder? But let’s welcome April first with a few songs I’m listening to lately. These songs go through me ina deeper way, like it talks to me directly. So I hope you listen to them today, as April Fools Day is on the Rise but am not playing today. I have a hectic schedule.

Special Passport

StockSnap_EKLWKITXH8

Where is this passport you speak of? A passport that will free us all of this damned rules? A passport that will take us to places filled of laughter and joy? I become so desperate to look for this passport. As I have plans of fleeing away from the grounds where I stand right now. As I have decided to change my life and live how I wanted from the start. As I have made up my mind on so many things and one of them is that I will do what I want. If and only I have this passport in the grasp of my fingers.

Let me take a look. If not then let me take a peek on it. If not, let me just brush my fingertips on its cover so I know how freedom feels.

From the Daily Post

I think of you fondly, passport to life

the path to a fantasy…do you really need some whizzy passport?

we travel, some of us forever

to go or not to go…just GO!

show me the passport to my heart, will ya?

the lady vanishes…as she run away with a passport on hand.

Fortune

Fortune
When one lacks and the other unlimited

When one seeks and the other takes it for granted

But don’t we all want our fortunes to be told as glorious and bountiful as money sounds like bells ringing in our ears?

Will you belucky with life or will you be filled with fear for the upcoming undesirable events?

Will you be blessed with a travel bag full of cash or will you be begging for the next job vacancy to fulfill your basic needs?

Luck in life or Luck in finance. Both have the same impact and effect on human emotions. Stir up a man’s mind with “fortune” and you got him under your fingernails. And who would do such things? Fortune-tellers, Deal or No Deal hosts, etc etc.

P.S. this is only a snippet thought on fortune, so.

 

Questions Passed By

Are you going to wait for a family member to die before you gather round the table and talk? Are you going to wait for your people to leave one by one before you decide you needed them all to fix the problems? Are you going to wait for the world to know that you’re using people for money before you change your ways?
So many questions and a hell lot of different answers. But where do I looke for answers when the people involved are nowhere and everywhere to be found?

Are you going to continue living a lie when you know how painful it is to carry the earth on your shoulders? Are you going to say the words even if it is meaningless and empty? Are you willing to sacrifice yourself for the things you think is good for your life? Or…are you going to risk everything and embrace adventure to its fullest?

 

One Day, One Ride, One Hell of an Adventure

Geo’s Photography

Crushing dreams, crumbling hearts. I go escape a day of reality to face another reality.
On my way, I feel excited and alone. I did not think about what could happen on the following hours. Cause I have no idea, actually. And I just want to enjoy my ride alone. Fleeting hours, I took a 30-minute nap, then chatted endlessly.

My sister was supposed to fetch me, cause this girl will get lostin Manila you know! But she just woke up when I arrived at the terminal. I was pushed to have an adventure, unexpectedly. I rode the LRT for the first time, alone. Haha. Then walked and walked until I reached Robinsons Place. What a fancy place, my little sister lives in. Had breakfast at McDonald’s and went to her condo to sleep while waiting for dad’s go signal.

We had lunch at Almon Marina and I loved the Seafood Kebab meal. Then strolled a bit. Looked for corporate attires and all. Pricey fancy things that I don’t want that much. Then had Mango Bravo at Conti’s Bakeshop and Restaurant. Strolled again, bought monkeys and went back to the condo then rode on a bus home.

As for emotions are concerned, I am appalled. I don’t know why, I dont know how. I just know that this isn’t right at all, no matter how you or me change the atmosphere. I actually decided and wanted to see for myself, to satisfy my hunger for answers. And I got it, unconsciously. I wanted to cry my heart out. But if I do, my kids at home will greet me with puffy eyes? I don’t want that. All I could do is suck it up and smile. What will I tell them when they ask? Of course I’ll tell them that I went to see their grandpa but he was sick so he coudn’t come see them early or right now, or whatever. Lies pile up like molten rocks on a mountain where lava hides inside.

The man I can not greet in public. Or sorry, let me rephrase that. The man I am not allowed to greet in public. The man I am not allowed to say cheesy things like how I love him or how my life is, lately. That even if he asks, I have to say how great it is that I am receiving his love and care even if he is so near yet so far from me.

So. I went home with material stuff from the great old man and I slept a little to forget my selfish thoughts. I have to be bigger than this, you know.

Note/s from the trip: Nothing goes wrong if you stock a can or two of Pringles when traveling. Family bonds are the most special moments you can ever get even if it was just through escaping from both sides of reality, even if it just takes half of your day.

#WeekendCoffeeShare: Get Dizzy On This One

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I am recently overwhelmed, that tears are starting to form right about now if I don’t stop talking about it. Okay.
I’m heading to Manila tonight. To accompany my sister and meet with dad. But before that…recap.

So I was a day late with reality. I thought it’s still Friday. But yesterday, I rejected someone’s invitation because I already accepted and scheduled my day for someone else. Although I can make two appointments a day, I did not because it was my first time hanging out with someone who I think is neutral and is in an organization that caught my attention. My adventurous side was poked once again.

I tagged along without knowing if that person really wanted me to come with him. We talked about almost everything and I think that my facial expressions are too showy, again, like, my words does not sync with my facial expressions. Why am I so expressive with my mouth and eyes?! Urgh! Anyways, I got conscious cause yeah that person caught me by the face, I guess.

We ate fishcakes! Cause that person does not now what they are, and also Ramen! Bahaha! So we ate what I have been craving for weeks now. Though I have eaten these consistently, it’s always a different experience. hahaha! We were rushing to go home but not really and then we talked more. I mean, that person talked about his experiences a lot. I loved it. I loved it when all I have to do is listen. I guess my weakness comes from being asked about my feelings as of the moment so it was good that that did not come out in any way. I was just so happy and excited!

I suddenly remembered kuya Tor, an artist who told me one time: ” Wow, you really meet people who loves to talk and tell stories huh”, and when I think about it, he was right. I always have this special connection with people who loves to talk. That am happy about.

And then grandma gets confined again. Back to the hospital and my thoughts on hospital related stories. Mom told me to go and look after her. So I decided to bring my volks and weather it tonight. At the hospital. After buying dinner and right before eating eat, mom says ” let your aunt eat that cause you’re going to Manila tonight”. Say what now?! So here I am, preparing for a trip that I don’t even know what’s gonna happen.

But, in between these events, a heavy heart lurks inside. Mad and overwhelmed, I don’t really have any idea what to do or how to deal with difficult people. Yes, I know I have to understand where they’re coming from and all, but this is too much. Why bother talking to me when you know deep inside you, you’re doubting me and that you just want to bombard my life like am easy as pie?! Strange as it is, I feel empty. I feel like am still in chains and you’re holding me by the neck. This is why am undecided as to what to do with Facebook. Deactivate or not? If I do, how about the people who sincerely wants to talk to me? But yes, deactivate for the whole month, April. Just because it’s my birth month! haha!

So if we were having coffee, I might be crying while laughing right now. Because I am sad as well as excited. And you might think am crazy and yes you may even call me “The Drama Queen”. 😀

Bully, Jokes, and a Little Bit Truths

I’ll come back here and post some nitty gritty cheesy lines. Haha

Ran errands for mom, listened to Mozart for the whole day. I was supposed to meet Yumi the dog, but the text message got lost somewhere. Then I walked to town again. I ordered a chicken sandwich at McDonald’s just so I won’t get kicked out. haha. Tired.

I forgot to go have my toenails pedicured. Amf. Hahaha

I’m bored. I don’t have anything or anyone to annoy. So I just called out for someone who I now will bully me but at least I could bully too. hahaha! Kuya Gee brought me sand bags for my tank. Then I tagged along to annoy him and be noisy as I can be. This boredom is killing me. I laughed out loud and jumped liked a kid. I called him “Balong” too loud for anyone to hear just because. I enjoyed his company. He satisfies my thirst for annoying people to the max. I can’t do that with others. They’re too serious to piss off. They’re too straight and takes things like it’s a matter of life and death. And I don’t like that. Cause I take everything as a joke. I make everything as a joke. I know, I know, I have my limits too. Boundaries I should not cross or am the one who’ll end up as the laughing stock. But that’s okay too. I guess am used to it? bahahaha.
Kuya Gee visited our home. To check up on my works in progress. Whew. I was glad he came. I got so many mistakes on my figures. He asked if I watch Youtube tutorials. No. I am tempted to sleep while watching Youtube tutorials. Maybe that’s why am slow at learning with these german figures. lol. So he let me watch some tutorials, scolded me for my mistakes, and taught me what I lack. For now. Then he made me walk from our house to RFQ where we usually buy paints and thinners. Dreadful and I know it’s his way of bullying too but that’s okay. Then went home.

When fishcakes rule my world. I crave every time I see one. So let me just have some okay? Say like 5 to 10 sticks would do, yeah? 😉

I am so tired. So exhausted. But so excited to continue the figures cause I learned something new. But am not gonna post some photos. I’m shy. Look at it when it’s almost done. haha.
Took a nap at night. I woke up at 12:14am, thinking I should go build. But fear of the dark takes over once again. Instead I listened to Mozart and typed. With mixed emotions because of social media chatting and all, I could not go back to sleep. haha. I’m thrilled and excited. Saying a bit of the truth then says it’s a joke then change the change subject and say another piece of truth. haha. The merry-go-round of words is amazing as it gets.

P.S. I’ve been rambling that mauch lately? Sorry. Too much mixed emotions.